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a.avoid.porn.peperonity.net

'↓'a τrue šτory'↓'

I first saw porn in 8th grade. I
was in the basement looking for
the cat, but instead I found porn
under my brother's boxes. I
remember staring at the pile of
well-handled magazines, the
jumble of huge breasts, spread
legs, and open mouths. Most
people probably would have
been shocked to stumble across
such a collection. But I was
thrilled and relieved. "Thank
God," I thought to myself. "Now
my brother can look at this stuff
and leave me the hell alone." I
remember smiling and humming
to myself.
It was the best day I'd had in a
long time.
I thought I would no longer be
the object of my brother's
voyeurism, as I had been for
about a year. It had started one
day in the shower. My father
always insisted that we leave the
bathroom window and curtains
open when we showered, so
mildew wouldn't grow from all
the trapped steam. Anyone in our
backyard could see right in. I
remember looking up one day in
7th grade only to see a face
looking right back at me.
Then he got bolder. My sister and
I had a small bathroom that
connected our bedrooms. I
would be showering in the other
bathroom, and he would hide in
my bathroom. I would come back
to my room to change and he
would be peering through the
cracks in the door.
The day after I found the porn, I
was laying on my bed reading
Teen magazine. He came into my
room. I didn't bother to kick him
out because I wasn't scared of
him anymore. He paced around
for about 20 minutes and then
said, "Katilinne, have you ever
seen one of these?" I looked up
and he exposed himself to me.
And that is when I was hit with
the sinking realization that he
wasn't going to stop, that the
porn wasn't enough for him.
That it wasn't a situation of "real
girls" versus "porno girls." Or
even using porn as an outlet for
his sexual urges, because the
porn was influencing his sexual
urges. I don't know if he was
using porn for the same reason
he was using me - to get his
jollies, or if he started with one
and moved on to the other. After
a while, it didn't matter.
Over the next few years his porn
got worse, and what he did to
me got worse.
I started doing everything I could
to avoid him. I started closing the
curtain in the bathroom, only to
have him tattle on me. I started
changing in the bathroom
instead of returning to my
bedroom, only to have him
complain to my mother that I
was hogging the bathroom. And
he started commenting on my
body in front of people.
"Katilinne, you have a body like
Madonna's. Well, except for your
tummy. You should do aerobics
to work on that. Then it would
be just like hers."
All the while I could monitor his
stash. The material was getting
worse. He had graduated to
videos and hard-core porn. I
really wasn't surprised when he
crossed the line from looking to
touching. At night he would
sneak into my bedroom. He
thought I was sleeping. He
thought it was ok to lift up my
nightgown or pull down my
pants - spread my legs open and
do his thing.
Now, I don't give porn the sole
blame for what happened to me,
for the years of abuse. I blame
my brother. He chose to do what
he did. But I also recognize the
factors that encouraged and
influenced the situation. I didn't
help matters by not telling
anyone about it (no matter how
young or terrified I was, or how
often he threatened me not to
tell). My parents didn't help the
situation by letting him have his
porn, by never telling him that it
was false and disrespectful. They
considered it an appropriate
outlet for the "harmless
fantasies" every teenage boy is
entitled to, just like most of the
world believes.
The abuse finally stopped when
he went away to college. That
was about eight years ago.
During those eight years I have
tried to stop what happened to
me from happening to anyone
else. I encourage women not to
be ashamed when it happens to
them, because they have done
nothing wrong. And I proclaim
loudly that pornography is NOT
HARMLESS! It is a negative,
widespread influence on
sexuality that is becoming
increasingly mainstream. The
more mainstream and accepted
it gets, the more harm we will
see. I liken it to cigarette
smoking. Will every smoker come
down with lung cancer or
emphysema? Of course not. But
do we deny smoking as a
contributor to lung cancer and
emphysema? No, we don't. We
need to do the same thing with
pornography. It's time to hold
pornography responsible for its
contributions to our culture.
It may be too late for my brother.
I know he's still addicted. He still
refers to the same old manuals
that taught him his sexuality in
the first place--that sexist,
misogynistic pornography. I
yelled at him one day when I ran
across a stack of his videos. "I
thought you outgrew this crap
after you left for school!" It was
the first time I had confronted
him and it reduced him to tears.
He wouldn't stop crying. He knew
that there was link between his
habit and his abuse. But it never
changed his attitudes or
behavior. After a bit, he
somehow put what he did to me
out of his head and, with
society's support, he continues
on his merry sexist way.


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