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:-) Beer Jokes - Free (-:

Have a laugh with your beer.
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I walked into the pub and the barman said, "Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Ken?"

"Whatever you've been drinking, mate."
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An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "That there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There ishz," he slurred. "Breakfasht."
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A man walks into a bar and after a few pints he needs to go to the gents restroom. He is a bit worried that someone might drink his beer, so he leaves a note beside it saying "Don't drink, I spat in this". When he gets back there is another note beside his which says: "So did I !!!"

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A policeman is outside a bar on the lookout for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the steps and fumble with his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in to his car, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he evetually drives off, the policeman is pulls him over and gives him a breath test. The test shows he has no alcohol in his blood at all. The confused policeman asks him why.
Smiling, the man says: "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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A brain goes into his local bar and says, "I´ll have a Heineken please"
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can´t serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"Look at the state of you. You´re already out of your head."
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign which says:
"Cheese sandwich $2. Ham sandwich $3. Hand-job $10"
He checks his wallet, then approaches the gorgeous barmaid.
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" he asks.
"Yes" she says with a smile.
"Well wash your fucking hands and make me a cheese sandwich"

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Late one night, after a heavy drinking session, Adam was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun crossing the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the shit out of her.
Some good Samarians passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling Adam away in handcuffs he looked back and shouted, "I thought you'd put up more of a fight than that, Batman."
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George and Henry, two avid fisherman and well known drunks, were out in a boat on their favourite lake one day fishing for carp. Suddenly, George got a bite. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork on his hook. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said "I grant you one wish" George thought for a second and said "I wish the whole lake was beer" And whooosh. His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite beer. Henry looked at George in disgust and said: ... "You stupid wanker, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
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A man comes home drunk, after drinking too much beer in his local pub.
He opens the door of the bedroom and shouts: "You can start yelling now, so I can find out where the bed is..."
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Q: Do you know why beer goes through your body so quickly?
A: Because it doesn't have to stop to change colour.
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A seal walks into a bar.
The barman says "What can I get you?"
The seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club"


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