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castlerock.peperonity.net

Funnies

-Lizard Birthing-

If you have raised kids (or been one) and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead gold fish, the story below will have you laughing out loud.
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the bet. Heres what happened.
Just after dinner one night, my son come up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he hold prisoner in his room. "he just lying there looking sick" he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard healer statement on my face and follow him in to his bedroom. One of the little lizard was ended lying on his back looking stressed.
I immediately know what to do. "honey" I called "come look at the lizard" "Oh my! Gosh" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies" "What?" my son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie mom". I was equalky outraged. "Hey how can that be? I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce." I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquire. (I actually think she said this sarcastically) "No but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together) "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know" she informed me, (again with the sarcasm, you think??)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged deciding to make the best of it, "kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience" I announced. "Were about to witness the miracle of birth". "oh gosh!" the shrinked "Well, ist that just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.(I really do think she was being snotty here too. Dont you?)
We peered at the patient, after much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We dont appear to be making much progress" I noted. "Its breech" my wife whispered, horified "Do something Dad!" my son urged. "Okey, Okey".
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911", my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma" (you see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Lets get Ernie to the vet!" I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe" he urged. "I dont think lizard do lamaze" his mother noted to him. (women can be so cruel to their young, i mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Gods sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining roon and peered at the little animal through a magnifiying glass. "What do you think Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically "oh, very interesting" he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to yo privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding 4 my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okey?" my wife asked. "oh perfectly" the vet assured ussured us. "The lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isnt ever going to happen. . . . . Ernie is a boy, you see Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they came into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . . um . . . . . masturbate, just the was he did lying on his back." He blushed, glansing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron." we were silent absorbing this. "So Ernie's just . . . . just excited" my wife offered. "Exactly" the vet replied, and relieved that we understand, more silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle and then even laugh loudly.
"What so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face, laughing. "Its just . . . . that . . . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its. . . . . its . . . . . tiny little . . . . " she gasped for air to bellow in laughter once more.
"Thats enough" I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundle the lizard and our son back in 2 the car. He was glad everything was going to be okey. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done Dad" he told me. "Oh, you have no idea" closed mouth my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
- 2 lizar = 140$, 1 cage = 50$, trip to the vet = 30$, memory of husband pulling on lizard winkie . . . . Priceless. . . . , . . . . . . Moral of the story . . . . . . . . . Finish Biology class. . . "LIZARD LAY EGGS!!!"


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