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cold-fish.peperonity.net

Turn-off

Sex. Funny how I´ve been so turned off. I used to enjoy sex, apparently rather good at it. Shame how so many disrespectfull words, phrases and names have turned me off.
He, who loves me so greatly has called me so many degrading things in his efforts to control, that I now find myself finding any and all excuses for abstaining from the act. Headache, stomach ache, tired, toothache, backach, just a few of the cop outs I´ve used. Find it sordid, dirty, degrading and altogether something I´d much rather not have to participate in. But He loves me.
Feel like I´ve been continuously brainwashed by Him. I, never, not once, have been the one to resume this mess of a relationship. I, am stalked to the point of not knowing my own mind. He knows whats best. He wants me. I, do not want Him. I want to be free to do my days and sleep my nights. I do not want to be ´looked after´ or provide for, or in fear of anything anymore. I, am sad. But He´s happy.
I´m slowly dying.
Keep seeing a picture of me in my mind, blue face, eyes open, cold and still, in a bath full of bright red water. Dead and not sad anymore. Dead and no fighting anymore. Dead, not a prisoner anymore. Dead, not in fear anymore. Eight pints of me, red and angry, proving to Him, once and for all that He is a murderer of the very worst kind.


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