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°·.°·. Terms of internet .·°.·°

The internet is so complicated, and with so many new terms to learn it can be useful to have a place where you can find answers to all your questions. You have not found such a place!

ASCII

Successor to ASC(I). Stands for "Ask Someone's Computer"


Backbone

The part of the anatomy most effected by hours of net surfing. Special "S" shaped seating might help.


Baud rate

1) The rate at which people grow tired of waiting for your page to load and go off to look for all this internet porn they have 'heard so much about'.

2) Remember, speed kills. Kill your speed. Currently the best modem you can buy is a 2400, they are not too easy to find, but will be well worth the investment. - A slow internet connection leaves plenty of room for the rest of us to play Quake.


Browser

The virtual equivalent of playboy magazine. Think legalised version of 'Peeping Tom'.


Bytes

The number of nibbles in an octet multiplied by the binary base shifted once to the left is equal to the number of bits in one byte. If you multiply this by the total number of bytes in a file divided by the word length you will find just how slow your computer really is.


Chain letter

The process whereby simple, well meaning folk pass on virus alerts and all sorts of other crap to all their friends, thus loosing them. Chain letters often claim to have travelled around the world 7 times before reaching you... So what? All my email seems to.


Cgi Bin

The virtual equivalent of an ash tray.


Client

A slightly sordid sounding name for a computer program which works on your behalf to ask other computers for their 'services', which also sounds a little sordid.


Cyberspace

A barren expressionless place where copywriters exist when they cannot be bothered to come up with a new description of, err, cyberspace. When you start giving names to things which don't exist, then you are heading for trouble.


DNS

A Domain Name Server first checks the credit rating of the applicant, and if passed, allows access to the required website. This has cut down on the irrelevant traffic to major websites, allowing only people could actually afford to buy an item view the web page. Clients which fail the credit test are automatically rerouted to a SERVER (see below).


Domain name

The assigning of monetary value to ordinary English words. Since the success of the sell off of sentences and phrases, words were the natural next step, and, in the same way as the phrases all had to have ™ added to them, all words being sold off must have ".com" added to them. (Otherwise the company will look very cheap indeed and all their email will go to the wrong people).


Electronic commerce

The idea of building robots which will go out and shop for people until they have spent all their money for them, (sometimes more). The technology is still in its infancy, and so you have as much chance of a diaper being delivered as your new computer.


Email

An electronic version of real mail which increases your chances of getting a reply by 5%! Unfortunately it is only 95% reliable. The good thing about email is that you can set up automated responses. This means that for years after we have all been wiped out by a particularly virulent disease, the computers will still be sending automated "Your request is currently being worked on by our technical support crew" messages to each other. Which is cool.


Encryption

A method which allows nervous internet users to feel safe when they pass their credit details over the internet. (The same over-reliance on this pseudoscience lost Germany the second world war). But still, if it makes us feel safe, what's the harm? Encryption relies on the fact that any potential hacker will get bored and go to sleep long before the code has been broken. This naive assumption shows a distinct misunderstanding of the definition of "nerd", and is unsafe in almost every way.


FAQ

A list of interchangeable insults. As in "Faq-off", or "Mother-Faq-er". For more information please see the FAQ FAQ FAQ, at www.FAQ.com


Firewall

A method of keeping unwanted insurance reps out of your offices.


FTP

File Transfer protocol. The unwritten agreement whereby you have to pass all your easy jobs on for your boss to do instead.


Gopher

A nice little system which was replaced because it was unable to supply quality porn fast enough. Also a funny pun type joke.


Handshaking

When two computers meet and decide just how slow they can communicate without being smashed up by their owners.


Home page

A place where various pets can display photos of themselves and their owners and exchange single word views and opinions about the world eg: "Meeoow".


HTML

A 'programming language' only slightly more powerful than ASCII, err, code.


HTTP

The bit you can now leave off your internet addresses because it became unnecessary when everyone decided to call their web server "www" because it looked cool.


Hypertext

1) Generally accepted as being the kind of overstatement of the powers/dangers of the internet which is to be found written in the media. 2) A form of textual representation based on the flawed logic that given infinite dimensions of freedom to explore, you must be able to find some kind of intelligence out there somewhere.


ICQ

A cute way of telling all your online friends that you'd rather speak to them all day than get any real work done. Often back-fires leaving people with the task of replying to a 1000 "Hi there Bob, how yah doin'?" type messages. Work? Is there any way to avoid it effectively?


Internet

A network of networks, an interconnection of interconnections. A metaphor of metaphors. A world wide crash just waiting to happen.


interNIC

The large and critically important centre of the supposedly fundamentally spread out and indestructible internet.


Intranet

A cool sounding 'must have' for businesses which don't need it.


IRC

Real time chat where people meet to bitch, flame, masturbate, and talk crap. Very much a little piece of real life brought successfully into cyberspace.


ISDN

A method of getting businesses to fork out for another two telephone lines, when the amount of email they actually need to send and receive could in fact be sent by men on roof tops holding up big cards with letters on.


ISP

An ISP basically does the same job as the trashman, except that he delivers other people's rubbish to your house instead of taking yours away. ISPs spend most of their time denying any responsibly for the taste of their feed and then go and spoil the game, by banning someone on their servers. It's kind of like a fireman hosing a house with crap, and then complaining when the occupants try to throw some back.


Java

Another cool sounding 'must have' for businesses which don't need it.


Javascript

A language chosen for the web because it was new and didn't have the word "Beginners" at the front.


Links

The veins and arteries of the internet. Now varacosed and sclerosed, piles of links do not lead anywhere and those which do not lead to porn tend to point to either Microsoft™ IE4, or Cool site of the day, which generally points to porn, Microsoft™ IE4 or cool site of the day, which points to...


Listserv

A listserver which has lost the last 2 letters of its name due to the inadequacies of the operating system upon which it is being run.


Listserver

Listservers are designed to reroute spam email to those who feel they are not getting quite enough already. (There is nothing worse than finding that you have to actually do some work of a morning). They have the added function of duplicating particularly poor postings. (esp. Long quoted messages with "me too", written at the end). To subscribe to a listserver mail it the word "subscribe". To unsubscribe from a listserver mail it with the word "SUbScriBE#2221" in the subject line, "UnSubscribe UnSubscribe UnSubscribe" in the main body of the email, and "unsubscribe really" in a binary attachment labelled "unsubscribe me" with the email. If this is not successful, repeatedly mail every member of the list with increasingly desperate pleas to be removed, until you are kicked off for causing a nuisance of yourself.


mail-to

Attached to the end of a home page, this is a pathetic attempt to encourage people to talk to you , by making it .001% easier to do so. This of course based on a false assumption, since in reality you have no mail because people don't like you.


MIME

An encoding system whereby email files are transferred silently by teams of trained monkeys. This can take time.


Newsgroup

An arena on Usenet, which contains lists of POSTINGs. Some are illegal, some are bizarre, but most are tedious: eg. "Stop posting illegal bizarre porn to this newsgroup!", "RE: Stop posting illegal bizarre porn to this newsgroup! - No!!!", "Yes!!!", "Me too.", "Is this alt.binaries.gilliananderson?" etc.


NOSFA

The secret organisation which monitors and controls the internet. All IP data packets are routed through their headquarters.


POP

Father.


POP2

Stepfather.


POP3

Your mother's in danger of becoming a whore.


Posting

Akin to the action of tossing a grenade into a crowded room, and then watching as people run around in a mad frenzy swearing at you.


Search Engine

Powered by tiny mice, search engines tirelessly work to expand vast lists of new webpages and links, (or so they claim). Funny then, how the same search now produces only about two more relevant options than it did this time last year.


Server

A computer which has been programmed to send out "Error file not found", "Forbidden" to everyone who accesses ...
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