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Maxim Jokes

Boy & His Mum

A boy told his mum, ´I couldn´t sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?´

His mum said, ´Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.´

The boy replied, ´Oh then you´re wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day.´

Three Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: ´What´s up with the jar?´

Bartender: ´Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.´

Man: ´What are the three tests?´

Bartender: ´Pay first. Those are the rules.´

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: ´OK, here´s what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can´t make a face while doing it. Second, there´s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who´s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.´

Man: ´Well, I know I´ve paid my ten bucks but I´m not an idiot; I won´t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there.´

Bartender: ´Your call. But your money stays in the jar.´

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, ´Wherez zat teeqeelah?´

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn´t make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

´NOW,´ he says, ´where´s that woman with the sore tooth?

A Small Problem

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs look small. ´Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?´ she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ´Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?´

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ´I know how to make them larger!´

´How?!´ she asks.

´Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.´

´Well, how long does it take?´ she asks.

´They should expand over the years,´ he answers.

´How do you know that?´ she wonders.

´I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn´t it?´

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