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41.Three's company



Dear Dr. Love,

I met this man in a Gay.com chat room about two years ago. We've been seeing each other seriously for about four months.

He invited me to move in after a month of seeing each other, and I said yes. But he still lives with his ex -- and sleeps in the same bed, even though no sex goes on. That's right. I'm living with and seeing a man who lives with his ex and still sleeps in the same bed with him. You may be asking why. The house is up for sale, and it's the one thing that's keeping them linked. The sleeping situation bothers me, though. Even though nothing is going on between the sheets, it still gives the impression of a relationship. It's the principle of the matter. Then he wonders why the ex still thinks they're together. He's told the ex numerous times that they're over, but ex is a little dense, apparently.

Because of the ex's thinking, my guy and I have to keep things clandestine. We sneak kisses when the ex isn't looking. We have intimacy time when the ex goes to work. I never thought I'd end up in a situation like this, but sometimes the heart and the mind disagree.

I truly feel happy with this man. He's everything I want in a partner. Granted, I hate the charade, and I've told my guy how I feel. He wants to keep everyone happy until the house sells. I told him that in this kind of situation that's impossible, because someone is going to feel bad. The ex is led to believe a lie, and I, the boyfriend, have to put up with it -- all to keep the peace.

I guess my question is this: Should I leave and wait for the two to go their separate ways before returning, or should I be patient and ride it out?


A: Dear Sir,
I think my advice can best be summed up by quoting an unearthly resident of a lovely Dutch colonial home in Amityville, a quaint town on New York's Long Island:
"Get out of the house!"
Really, just leave! Forget packing! There's no time.
OK, I'm being a bit overdramatic. But you are in a situation that cannot and will not end well. I do admit, I have to admire your new lover's chutzpah: moving the new boyfriend in before the current one even knows that he has been broken up with -- now, that is bold behavior. But it's not nice behavior -- or honest behavior, or respectable or trustworthy behavior. Your boyfriend is not "keeping everyone happy." There is, I guarantee you, more to his lies (and, yes, he's lying to both of you) than altruism. If he truly wanted to act in his other boyfriend's best interest, he wouldn't have moved you into the house, now, would he?

At best, his behavior denotes cowardliness. At worst, it speaks of criminal deceit. I think a bit more time spent dating is in order before you decide this fellow is your one and only Prince Charming.

My dear attic-dwelling sir, you have made, I think, an error of judgment. Yes, the heart and mind often disagree -- but I oh-so-gently suggest that the mind is often right, and I can tell from your letter that your mind is desperately trying to get your attention. Insist that your lover explain in detail, to both you and his other boyfriend at the same time, exactly what is going on.
Doc Luv


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