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19.SOME VERY BAD MASTURBATION IDEAS


Some Very Bad Masturbation Ideas
Though we encourage sexual experimentation, getting too creative can sometimes be a very, very bad thing. Here some brave souls share some of the masturbation disasters. Learn from their mistakes!


With a bicycle pump

I had heard the term "blow job," but didn't really have a clue what it meant. So, I thought I'd experiment. I got out my bicycle pump, placed the valve on my urethra, and pumped that handle down hard, expecting to feel pleasures beyond my wildest dreams! AHHHHHH! My groin hurt for weeks as I think I tore something inside, but was too ashamed to tell anyone. I really felt stupid. Everything seemed to work fine once I just started masturbating.




With hot sauce

Well, I tried using some hot sauce on my cock while masturbating, and it felt like hell! I'm writing this just to tell other people to NEVER DO THIS!! It is the worst thing you will ever feel.


With a pen

I was masturbating with a capped pen up my anus at about 1 o'clock in the morning. My parents were in the next room so I tried to keep it quiet, but I had a amazing orgasm (or at least from what I have experienced). I stopped before I moaned but when I pulled the pen out, the cap (which was on the pen to keep it from poking me) wasn't on it. I could feel the tip of the cap in my anus, but when I tried to get it out by pushing my anus muscles I couldn't and it went completely in my anus. I was so scared and I couldn't tell my parents. I tried all night to get it out and finally fell asleep. The next day I still tried in vain to get it out, but finally that evening I took a crap and it came out. Whew! I had never been so scared in my life.


With shampoo

During my first semester at college I found that I had a lot of time to masturbate. One night I decided to masturbate, so I put some porn in the DVD player and tried to find some lotion to use as lube. I couldn't find any, so I figured that I could use some shampoo. While I was whacking off it felt really good! The shampoo had a tingling sensation on my cock. Unfortunately, I did not know that the shampoo dries your skin out. My cock's skin got really tight and started to crack, much like chapped lips. It hurt like hell as the skin fell off my cock to reveal new pink skin underneath. I'm fine now, but I always make sure I have some KY on hand!


With wire

I saw an anecdote on the Internet once about how guys masturbate and I decided to try it! It involves inserting a long wire into the urethra and down the length of the erect penis. Long story short, the wire didn't follow the path precisely and I ended up stabbing my penis from the inside. I was in the hospital for three days.


With toothpaste

I was experimenting with different lubes, and one time I tried toothpaste. At first it was strange yet nice, but when I was done some of the toothpaste went inside me. It burned like hell for about 20 minutes, and I was in the shower trying to cool it.


With chewing gum

One day I was chewing some Big League Chew gum. It felt so soft and gooey in my mouth that I decided to rub it on my dick. It was the worst decision I ever made! As I was rubbing it on my dick, the gum got caught on my pubes. I got in the shower and spent like an hour trying to get the stuff off. Then I finally decided just to cut my pubes off with some scissors. I had no pubes left.


With Jalapeno peppers

I was making chili with jalapeno peppers, about the hottest kind that you can get. While I was chopping them I didn't realize that the juice and oil in the peppers would burn more as time went on. Later I was stroking my cock and realized that not only were my hands now burning from the pepper oil, but now my whole shaft was burning too! I stopped immediately and tried to wash it off, but I found that it takes something like baking powder to neutralize the acid. Too late!! I felt my cock burning for about a day after that and I couldn't stop thinking about it as a result. I still managed to get in a few orgasms though! Now I wear gloves when handling spicy foods!



With a pencil

I'm a guy. I was in college, and feeling pretty down on myself at the time for reasons to do with my sexual identity. I was masturbating, and I had begun to explore inserting long and skinny, smooth objects into my urethra/the tip of my penis. One night I had been drinking, and had just had a fairly disappointing sexual encounter with an also-drunk classmate. Anyhow, I was just experimenting while learning that I preferred guys. So I was back at my dorm, alone, jacking it, and I inserted a pencil, eraser-end first, into my penis. It was clean and new, but the metal edges were a lot sharper than I was realizing, me being intoxicated and all. It hurt, but that seemed okay. But when I shot, the cum came out with a lot of blood. I was horrified! The next day, it burned when I pissed, but it seemed to have healed. However, as a result, years down the road, I have ongoing pain in the section of my urethra where the eraser's metal band cut, and I am prone to PAINFUL urethra infections in this same section of "road." It's really stupid that I still hit myself in the head over this, but there's really nothing to be done save for going to a doctor, which I suppose is the next step. Life sure is funny! Humorously enough, of all my entire life, this is probably one of my very few regrets. It was a case of self-mutilation that was a consequence of my feeling really down on myself. Dumb duhdumb duhdumb, oh well!



With a shampoo bottle

This actually happened a couple months ago. I do not own any sex toys, so when I want to masturbate my anus, I have to do it with my finger. Well, one night a couple months ago, I decided to try to find something a little bigger. I found one of those travel-size shampoo bottles under my bathroom sink. I lubricated it and started it using it on myself. I was rather enjoying it, until my fingers became too slippery and the bottle was sucked out of my hands and up into my rectum. When I tried to get it out, the bottle some how turned sideways and was stuck. I couldn't go to the hospital since my mother works there. I just had to wait until it came out own, or I was able to get it. It took three days to get it out, and another seven days before I was able to fully sit down again. Never will I do that again.


With Liquid Heat

I was into masturbating with men's colognes for lubes. My father used this stuff called Heat for his back and I thought it had a wonderful scent and it turned me on. One day my parents were out and I snuck into their room and took my father's cologne Heat. I went into my room and stripped down, laid on my bed, and got myself hard. Then I got some of the Heat and put it on my balls and cock and started to jack off. I had the most intense orgasm! I laid there for about 10 minutes and then got up to take a shower, mainly because this stuff was starting to burn. I got in the shower and when the warm water hit my balls and cock the heat intensified. I was in agony. Soap wouldn't wash it off. I was sore for days. Little did I know that my dad used the Heat for back pain relief. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! Never again!


With a banana

I started to explore different methods of masturbation, particularly focusing on the integration of phallic objects into my routines. One night, as my family slept, I crept downstairs into the kitchen and stole a banana from the fruit basket. When I got back to my room, I began to masturbate with it. Eventually I climaxed, and as I did, I felt/heard this odd "pop." So I immediately attempted to pull the banana out. Upon some exertion, I found myself staring at half a banana; the entire thing had exploded from my bodily heat and the pressure of orgasm. I ended up spending nearly 20 minutes sitting on the toilet, trying vainly to push the other half of the banana out. Unfortunately, the stickiness of the hot mashed banana was impeding its path out, and it was too far up for me to reach. Eventually it slid out, and I spent a great deal of time in the shower trying to rid myself of the banana smell and stickiness ... fortunately, I managed to keep quiet enough and not wake anyone. To this day, I have never used any other phallic-shaped foods to masturbate, nor can I stand to eat bananas anymore.



With a glass cigar case

I was really horny and wanted to wank, but I felt like doing something a little unusual and kinky. I found one of those cylindrical cigar cases, and it was hard and smooth and I put some vegetable oil on it and shoved it all the way up my ass. I had a great jerk with the toy against my prostate, and when I came my ass contracted and shot the toy out of my ass and onto the floor. It turns out the cigar case was made of GLASS, and it broke all over the place. I was freaked out about what would have happened if it had broken in my ass!


With melted chocolate

One time I melted chocolate and I used it to masturbate, and I fell asleep with it in my hand. When I woke up my hand was all sticky with chocolate, but I still got off good! It kicked ass! But, only problem was, the chocolate was so hot from me melting it that it hurt/was good at the same time. It turns out that I had first-degree burns from a chocolate bar! Never use anything that you just nuked in the microwave. Ow!!!


With Lava soap

I used to work in a plastics molding plant and my hands would get quite dirty. I always kept Lava bar soap in the shower to get them clean. One morning I was showering in the dark and grabbed the Lava instead of the Ivory soap to slick up my penis and masturbate. I didn't know the difference until I was done and my penis was rubbed raw by the abrasives in the soap.


With homemade lube

I like to masturbate with lubricant. One day, I wanted to use lubricant but the tube had been empty for quite some time, so I decided to make my own lube. Instead of simply using petroleum jelly, I mixed together Palmolive dish soap and water. I began to feel a painful irritation, but in the excitement, I didn't stop until I'd cum. The next morning, my balls seemed just like they where grilled. They were covered in red spots and my skin was textured like melted plastic wrap. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, thinking it would be okay in a couple of days. Not exactly! I was pulling off dead skin for at least a week!!


With incense

Probably one of the stupidest things I have ever done, I did in a state of drunken horniness. It had been more than six months since I had last had sex, and I was practically screaming for an outlet. After seven homemade tequila benders, I went upstairs to begin a long session of humping my pillow. After several minutes, I was exhausted and seemingly out of juice. That's when I spotted the incense next to my bed. I grabbed it and inserted the narrow end into the tip of my penis. Then, in what was probably a stroke of drunken genius, I lit the other end, thinking that the erotic sensation of a flaming scented piece of wood would really get me off. Unfortunately, I was more tired after the pillow session than I realized, and in my drunken state, I passed out with the incense still inserted into my manhood. When I woke up, the incense had burned all the way down and effectively cauterized my penis. No way in, no way out. To add ...
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