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36.HOW TO SEDUCE STRAIGHT?

Straight men are a bit of a gay enigma. If you’re looking to bag one you’ll need our ten half-assed tips.

1) Getting on Par
You’re going to need to get all pally pally with your intended victim, so adopt a football team and practice all those straight boy giveaways. We’re talking random bollock arranging, chronic wind and allowing the tone of your voice to become slightly moronic.

2) Be Butch
Ditch the screaming queen routine and no matter how funny your camp retorts are, lose them too. You have to fully absorb this ‘straight persona’ if you’re to stand a cat in hell’s chance of snaffling on his straight sausage. Always ensure that you dress like something you see in a Next window.

3) Talk Dirty
Get him to talk about his sex life and look shocked when he tells you that he’s not getting enough. Why not highlight the amount and quality of the sex you’re getting and generally make him feel like he’s a bit frigid. All men like to think that they’re riding high on their sexual peak. All you need to do now is to convince him that it’s you that should be riding high on that sexual peak of his.

4) Avoid the Anal Bit
It’s probably a good idea to keep the anal sex bit quiet for a while. Feed his imagination on a diet of expert blow-jobs and generally play on the fact that he can just lie back and think of some blonde bird from the local.

5) Kissy Kissy
Most straight men don’t relish the idea of kissing another guy unless it’s in a typical rugby scenario. So you have two choices here; either don some rugby kit and learn a few lurid songs or simply explain that the only kissy kissy bit will be your lips around his huge hard-on

6) Don’t Give it a Name
Whatever you do, don’t call it gay sex. Remember it’s just a bit of fun and it’s not gay in the slightest. It’s just two guys messing around ‘cos their birds have gone off it lately. Giving it a name will kill it dead. However, when you’ve had him, use it all you like, especially when you’re stalking him.

7) Get the Bastard Drunk
If it’s not going that well, get the bastard drunk and make a play for him. It’s a well-known fact that once a man is halfway engorged then he’d bang his own mother. Capitalise on this weakness my pretties.

8) Play Wrestling
How about a little bit of man-on-man body contact to get him used to the idea that sex doesn’t have to involve something with a perm and comedy breasts. Indulge him in a bit of sarcastic banter which then leads to a playful shove or two. This in turn should lead to you both rolling around on the floor, which should then lead to you making a beeline for his laddish love rod.

9) We’ll Never Mention it Again
Anonymous sex is all the rage and you can guarantee that given this veil of anonymity, most straight men would be up for it. Promise to never tell his girlfriend, wife or mates. In fact, tell the fucker that you’ll never mention it again. Of course you’re within your rights to go back on this gentleman’s agreement whenever you’re:

a) drunk
b) in the presence of his bird
c) blackmailing the tosser

10) If all else fails….
OK, so you’ve tried all the above tips to no avail. This one is proving to be straighter than you thought. Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I say drag up and make the bastard think you’re a cheap bit of skirt. You’ll have to arrange to meet him in a dimly-lit room and if he’s half cut already then all the better. Don’t speak and don’t let him make a grab for your pretend lady areas. Simply attach yourself to his lower portions and blow him into next week.


There you have it – you’ve seduced a straight man. You’ll now have acres of comedy moments for those all important drunken dinner parties….


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