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86.Behind those closed doors

Behind those closed doors

Hello Friends,

Been following this discussion about child abuse, well truthfully a lot of us have got someone or the other into this world one way or the other, I see and meet a lot of guys around who are interested in Straight Guys, would love to change them. Why just child abuse any abuse is bad? Most guys have become gays or bisexuals not because they had the inborn inclinations towards men but because someone somewhere introduced them to this world. And that was a fact that I found in meeting about 500 guys and chatting to another maybe across 1000.

Well as a child I had my share of convincing some of my cousins and some friends into having sex with me, yes I never forced anyone convinced yes, but as I grew in age I realised the pains of this world and got down to a different routine. Its not that we can mend our doings, but we can always gain some peace by helping others with their pains.

Whenever I met a guy who had been used and or was not sure about his sexuality I tried to guide him out, gods grace succeeded with a few too. I still follow this routine and I wish there many of us can do something like this, which will give some consolation the ones who suffered or are suffering. Let us not pity or sympathise with them lets us empathise and show them a path that's right for them, being unselfish for a while , I am sure we will get more pleasure than we get from the physical acts.

I will quote this true story of a guy who was one of my 1st few contacts from the net world. I am changing names here for the sake of privacy.

I got out of the m2m world when I got married at 26, 6 - 7 years I remained out and then I may call it destiny which got me back in or maybe it was a mixture of desire and lust, the need of a man once again. This was in the year 2000, and then somehow was guided to the internet by some friends and I started chatting.

It was the beginning of January in 2001 while I was chatting I met this young guy he called himself Sameer, we got chatting, he was 19 he said, I had met only one guy from the met before that, me and Sameer chat for a few days, but we had never discussed sex or stats or preferences, then that day we got discussing those, he told me he was a bottom, well my 1st thought was but obvious, as I am an active, I thought here comes a good young and sweet one, we should have fun, I told him about my stats and likings in bed too., and that was that day.

Another few days we were again discussing everything from family to career prospects and education for him, hobbies and interests, we had a lot of interests in common and hence a lot to talk about. Then I asked him one day it instead of a chat we can talk. He said he did not have a mobile, so I gave him my mobile number, the same evening Sameer called. It was a definite pleasure we started talking for atleast an hour every day, since I was residing in Delhi that time away from my family and mostly he used to call, it was comfortable. He mentioned to me many time that he is really fond of me and seems to be in love with me and then we decided to meet. We decided to meet in the evening and since my work schedule was not sure I suggested he may call me at a fixed time, but instead he said that I should call him on the no. he calls from, that's the time I realised that the number that Sameer used to call me from was his residence number, I was really furious on him for that, in this while of chatting and talking for a month I had started to care for him and wanted him to be safe and secured.

I drove to Vasant Kunj and reached the point decided to meet, and there was Sameer, already waiting Dressed in a Orange T-shirt with a Navy Cord Cargos, he was very fair with sharp features, stood at about 6' tall and a well built physique that would put a star to shame ( no doubts he was the best looking guys I ever met in the m2m world). As I watched him walk to my car, I had a bad temper on one side on the other side I was admiring this roman god, who was my dream guy. He came and opened the car door and asked " Mrinal" I said " Hi, Sameer" we shook hands and he sat inside.

Something about him was telling me he was younger than he had said and the turmoil in my mind was still on. My conscious took over my lust. As we finished our introductions I asked him " How old are you?" "19" he said, I told him to tell me the truth , he shrugged looked the other side and said "19" again, I asked him to look at me and tell me, he looked at me seemed almost about to cry and said in a low voice " 16". My next reaction was spontaneous, don't know how it happened, I never did this before, I gave him a tight slap across his face. He was in tears but kept was quite. I started shouting on him, " Do you know what you are doing, you give people your residence number, do you know the kind of effect it can have on your family, the situation you can be in and the situation you can put your Parents and sisters in........" as I shouted for the next 5 minutes he kept listening very quietly, crying all the while and then I realised and told him to say something all he said was " Sorry". From annoyance my mood changed to empathy, I really wanted to know what was in the mind of this young boy. I kept a hand on his shoulder and consoled him and gave him some water from my flask.

I then asked him "Why are you so desperate" he did not reply, I again asked him, "Why are you looking for someone almost twice your age," "Don't you have friends of your age". There were no reply to my question but a question which showed me the pain in his heart, Sameer asked " Will you care for me , and love me like a child?" he went on "I never give my phone number to anyone or call anyone, but I have started respecting you and loving you, and therefore I gave you my number. I am not desperate for sex, but need a senior person who loves me and cares for me as a child" " I have met only 2 people ever and with them too I never had anything, I hated the first person all he wanted was to have sex, he told me strip on a road side and he could do it, I just ran away", "the second one also I did not like I had met near his house and he wanted to do things quickly and forget, he told he his wife is away for 1 hour so we could be together for 30 to 40 mins, I hate it."

I was quite and listening and he was crying again, I could sense the pain he had, I asked him " If its not sex then why do you want to meet someone, why only someone matured." He was silent for a while and then broke out with a loud cry " No one loves me or cares for me, all that everyone wants is sex." This guy was hurt and ailing and I could sense all that pain that I had the 1st time I was molested by a senior, probably much more. I kept my hand on his shoulders again softly caressed his head made him rest on my arm, it took him time to recoup.

I granted him my friendship and told him he can talk to me about anything he likes, but my only condition was that we shall be friends only, and never even discuss sex. We were both quite for a while, all of which he kept looking at me, then he said " Whatever you say Bhai jaan, but just be a friend to me always," and he went on " my name is not Sameer I am Shoaib, I am 16 and studying in XXX school in class 11." I then told him facts about myself. Then we decided to go to a restaurant for coffee.

As we sat in the restaurant I asked him more about his family, he kept telling me, he had 2 sisters both elder, the elder was married, his parents lived in a joint family and had a sprawling business, his uncle (chacha) and his family used to live with them but they shifted out a few months back. Than he told me that's the time he got his own computer and a net connection and an independent Room in the house, so he started chatting. He told me about his hobbies, and about his career plans, he wanted to be an engineer, and wanted to have a family whom he would love a lot. He would never be a business man, as he would like to spend lots of time with his family. Gosh this guy was so matured at this tender age.

The I asked him how he got into m2m, he shyed and had tears in his eyes again and said " Bhaijaan don't ask me, hum nahin bataa payengey, humein bura lageyga" ( I cant tell I will feel bad), I said " Ok, whatever you wish, but since you don't like it, promise me that you will get out of it and never do it again", I did not know what I was touching but guess I broke all his emotions, he was crying again and his tears wont stop inspite of my consolation, I had to tell him that he should stop as other people in the restaurant are watching and they may feel bad about me. He did try to control himself but tears would not stop. I shifted to his side and again got him on my shoulder he stopped crying, and then had some water, I told him to go wash his face and come back.

As he came back and sat next to me, I was quite and looking at him, he held my hand and said " Bhai I want to tell you everything, but promise me you will not accuse me or think bad of me." I assured him and then he went on telling me his story " As I told you, I stayed in a joint Family, we had a 4 Bedroom house and chacha used to live outside Delhi, I room was with my Parents and 2 Rooms with my sisters. When I became 7 years old I was Given the 4th Room."

" Chacha used to come to Delhi every week and whenever he came he would stay with me in my Room. One night as I went off to sleep, chacha came in late, I was fast asleep and was wearing a shorts, chacha came and lay down next to me instead of his own bed, I was uncomfortable but could not say anything." he went on with tears in his eyes again " in a while as I became a little awake, I realised that chacha was not wearing anything and his hand was going inside my T-shirt, I liked the feeling of closeness but was not comfortable with chacha being Naked, slowly he rubbed my chest and the he started rubbing his hand on my bums, I was not comfortable, I got awake and sat up, he looked at me and held me tightly, and said he I loving me and, I will like it, I was quiet an stunned I told him no once, but he kissed me on my cheeks and on my lips and asked me if it was good, I said yes, he went on with removing my t-shirt, I tried to stop but he forced, and then he removed my shorts, he was rubbing me all over while he held my hand and pushed it his penis, I was afraid and I held it and did what he said, slowly he went down to my penis and kissed it, took it in his mouth and sucked it, then he asked me to do the same, I did not like it, but he pushed me and stuffed the whole thing in my mouth, before I could realise I had some hot thing in my mouth, which I was compelled to swallow as he was holding my head strongly. Then He just got up went to the bathroom and washed, and alter told me to wash also and wear my clothes."

" Slowly a few days later it became a routine and cha-cha would do it every time, I had started enjoying it a little too, the closeness to chacha was good, he would get me gifts and chocolates, and anything I would ask for would be mine. The one day when he came I asked him for a big gift, a Lego set, it was expensive, and he said he will get it if I did special favours for him. I had already asked my parents but they had said I have to grow up a little for ...
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