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A third rate actor is botching Hamlet mercilessly. By the time he gets to the famous "To be or not to Be" soliloquy, the crowd is abusive. They're screaming at him, throwing chairs, fruit, whatever. So at "slings and arrows" he stops, faces the crowd and yells. "WHAT ARE YOU BLAMING ME FOR? I DIDN'T WRITE THIS CRAP!"



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Look up in your local phonebook for someone with the surname 'Whitehead'. Phone them.

You: Is that Mr Blackhead?

Them: No - this is Mr Whitehead.

You: Sorry. Wrong zit.



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I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"



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What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it out for a drag.



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At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money. The concensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise investment for the college."

The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have been atypical."



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There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"



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I am on a bus. The driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars. Suddenly, a baby starts crying. Come on kid, you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette.



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There's a story about some guy who had to go to a boring meeting. While going up alone to the meeting in an elevator, he found that there was no dustbin to dispose of his chewing gum in there. He finally pushed it to the back of the bar you can hold on to while the lift is moving. So he got to the meeting, got everything fixed there, and joined some guys on the way down. All of them were stiffs, not much fun. So when he was standing there, he looked around, and stated in suprise: 'Hey! Look! It's a piece of chewing gum!', and he pulled it off the bar and put it in his mouth. Similarly, another bloke and a buddy of his frequented a bar and pulled a similar prank. They filled a flask (one of those that looks like a cow stomach people use at [American] football games) with this vegetable soup the cafateria used to serve. The stuff was awful and looked like vomit. Anyway, one of them hid this flask under his shirt. When the bartender wasn't watching, he opened the flask and pretended to vomit all over the bar. When the bartender looked over, the other guy picks up a piece of vegatable off the bar and eats it. This reaction caused other people in the bar to blow chunks as well. For some reason they were never allowed back into that bar.



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How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?

It's the one with bite marks on the cap.



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An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."



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A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."



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There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."



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There once was a man from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a puma,

Now his body lies,

Under the hot desert skies,

For the puma had no sense of huma.



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A guy goes into a flag shop and asks for a green union jack. The shop assistant is forced to explain that you only get union jack flags in red white and blue. The man considers this, then says, "I'll have a blue one then."



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A patient goes to the doctor, who diagnoses with the aid of a computer. After a long wait, the system comes up with: "There's a lot of it about"



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Always behave like a duck: keep calm & unruffled on the surface, but paddle like hell underneath



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Also of interest are scientific one-liners of the "Heisenberg may have been here" or "Laminar hydrodynamics is not all plane sailing" genre.



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A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that ...


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