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33.Ek Gay Maseeha - I

baap kitani bhi jhakaas bike kyon na khareed kar de, din bhar to
darjanon traffic signals ke beech mein bheed bhari sadakon par
cheetiyon ki tarah hi reng paati hai. par jab raat ke das baj chuke
hon aur sadakein sunasaan hone lagi hon tab hi fast driving ke maze
liye jaa sakate hain. bike ke saath dimaag ki speed bhi badhati jaati
hai.

main apane dost ke ghar se apane ghar jaa rahaa thaa. kyaa party huyi
thi. darjan bhar dost jamaa the. sabane daaroo pi thi, BP dekhi thi,
dinner liyaa thaa. ek yaadgaar shaam. yahi to jawaani ke maze hain.
aulaadon ko yahi maze dilaane ke liye to baap kamaataa hai.

sex? (main ek lambi saans bhar rahaa hoon.) are nahin ji. party mein
sirf ladake the. kyaa kahaa? "to kyaa huaa?" matlab? sex?

oh! are, main koi gaandoo thode hi hoon? jab Shahid Kapoor jaisaa
cheharaa aur badan ho, to ladakiyaan to jaise har ped, har shaakh par
tangi hui mil jaati hain, jo si chaahiye, tod kar le jaao aur ji bhar
ke khaao.

kyaa kahaa? ladakiyaan cheharaa, badan dekh kar nahin, gaand ke neeche
gaadi, seene par ugaa mobile, aur chootadon par chipake note dekh kar
aati hai? wo sab bhi hai, bhai.

aap log to lakadon ki sirf gaand aur munh hi chod paate honge. mujhe
ladakiyon ki gaand aur munh ke saath ek aur chhed bhi mil jaataa hai
chodane ke liye. ab bataaiye? aap bhale, ki main?

waise bhi, baap se chhup-chhup kar laundiyaan chodane mein hi kitane
paapad belane padate the. agar meraa baap mujhe kisi launde ki gaand
maarate pakad le, to meri gaand maar kar wo bhi gay ban jaayegaa.
apane shaadishudaa baap ko gay banane se rokanaa har naujawaan ki
zimmedaari hai.

ab main is gande topic par koi baat nahin karanaa chaahataa. main
gaandoo nahin hoon, nahin hoon, nahin hoon. bas.
--------

tabhi 90 degree waalaa wahi mod ekdam se saamane aa kar beech sadak
par khadaa ho gayaa jis par is shahar ke sabase zyaadaa accident hote
the. aaj meri baari thi kyaa? mainne zor se break maare. bike zor se
laharaaee, aur dheemi hote-hote aadhi gol ghoom gayi. raat ke sannaate
mein break ki choon-choon door tak goonji thi. shukar hai ki bike mere
control mein rahi thi. agar meraa accident ho jaataa aur main mar
jaataa to meraa baap meri gaand maar letaa.

muhaawaraa hai bhai. koi baap apane bete ki gaand thode hi maarataa hai.

kyaa kahaa? "maarataa hai?" Hmm! to yah chal rahaa hai aapake yahaan.

main mod par mud gayaa. saamane door tak khaali leti sadak ko dekh kar
mere munh mein paani bhar aayaa. mainne accelerator par haath dabaayaa
hi thaa ki sadak ke kinaare se lapak kar koi ekdam mere saamane aa
gayaa.

bike abhi dheemi hi thi. mainne phir se break dabaaye aur bike skid
hoti huyi usase 6 inch pahale hi ruk gayi. mainne apane paanv jameen
par rakhe aur use dekhaa.

wo ek motaa, bhaddaa, gandaa policewaalaa thaa. mainne man mein kahaa,
"aa gaye maamoo, 50 rupaye kaa choonaa lagaane."

usane apane ek haath ko bike ke handle par rakhaa, jaise bike usi ne
roki ho. farmaan jaari huaa, "licence?"

mainne jeb se licence nikaal kar diyaa.

usane padhate huye kahaa, "abey Abhishek Rana! R P Rana ki aulad, yah
to motorcycle driving kaa licence hai. hawaai jahaaz driving kaa
licence dikhaa jo tuu udhaa rahaa thaa."

apane is badhiyaa se dialogue par wo ho-ho-ho kar ke hansaa aur
licence waapas kar diyaa. meri jaan mein jaan aai. wo khushdil
policewaalaa thaa. usase saaf-saaf baat ki jaa sakati hai. waranaa
kaee policewaale to ghoos lene ke liye bhi 50 rupaye ki ghoos lete
hain.

mainne kahaa, "sir, dheemi hi to thi, dekhiye naa, aapako dekhate hi
pat se ruk gai."

wo phir se ho-ho-ho kar ke hansaa. meraa kaam aasaan ho gayaa thaa. wo
mujhe aise to jaane dene waalaa nahin thaa. magar mujhe paise dene
mein koi taqaleef nahin thi. baap kamaate hi isaliye hain ki jawaan
betaa har aish kare aur pakade jaane par ghoos de kar chhoot jaaye.

tab tak sadak ki roshani mein usane mujhe naap-taul liyaa thaa. use
moti rakam ki soongh aa gayi thi. mahangi bike, banaa-thanaa, smart,
handsome, bakar-chodu laundaa jisaki gaand police ko dekhate hi NAHIN
phat gaee thi. khandaani rutabaa saaf jhalakaa thaa.

aur phir 18 saal ki umr, gora, chikanaa, khoobsoorat, naazon-palaa
badan. matalab ki thaane mein raat guzarane ke khayaal se hi meri
gaand phat jaane waali thi.

usane kahaa, "meelon se tere hawaaee-jahaz ki aawaaz aa rahi thi.
break ki aawaaz kitani zor se goonji thi. 80 par rahaa hogaa?"

main use bataane waalaa nahin thaa ki usakaa guess ekdam sahi thaa.

mainne kahaa, "sir. sadake sunsaan padi hain. dekhiye naa, aapake aur
mere alaawaa yahaan aur koi nahin hai. mainne sunaa thaa ki raat ko
speed, signal, side ki rok nahin hoti hai."

"yahaan koi nahin tere mere siwaa" kaa gaanaa usake zehan mein goongaa
aur usaki aankhein chamak utheen. wo mere sayaanepan par muskuraayaa.
main bhi apane sayaanepan par muskuraayaa. ab wo mujhe ishaaraa degaa
aur main use 50 kaa note doongaa, aur main apani bike phir se 80 par
bhagaa le jaaoongaa.

magar tabhi doodh mein makkhi padh gayi. hawaa kaa ek jhonkaa aayaa
aur use paise ke alaawaa ek aur soongh de gayaa. yah nayi soongh use
zyaadaa moti rakam kaa haqdaar banaa gayi.

usane ekdam se haath badhaakar meri shirt ko apane panje mein jakad
liyaa aur mujhe aage kheenchaa. aur usane apane sar ko mere chehare ki
or badhaayaa. ek pal mein hi usaki naak jaise mere munh ke bheetar tak
ghusi huyi thi. shukr hai ki use zukaam nahin thaa.

mainne apani saans rok li. usane meraa galaa zor se dabaa diyaa. mujhe
saans leni padi. usane paun baar apane nathune phulaa kar zor se saans
kheenchi.

usaki aankhon mein wo chamak aa gaee thi jo billi ki aankhon mein tab
aati hogi jab wo choohe ko apane panje mein jakad chuki hoti hogi.

usane kahaa, "daaroo pi kar 90 par gaadi chalaataa hai. lambaa
napegaa. jaanataa hai kitanaa kharchaa lagegaa?"

meri gaand phat gaee.

kharch ki koi fiqr nahin thi. us jaise sau-pachaas ko to main apane
ghar aa kar roz salaam thokane ko kahataa, aur wo roz aate aur salaam
thonkate. napane ki bhi koi fiqr nahin thi kyonki main abhi yahin
khade-khade mobile dabaataa to usake saare baap, IG, DIG, SP, DSP,
shahar ke saare TI apani nangi beewiyon ke pahaloo se uth kar
daude-daude aate aur mujhe mere ghar pahunchaate.

magar is zabardast plan ki sabake kamzor kadi meraa madarchod baap
thaa. jaise hi mere baap ko pataa chalataa ki main daaroo pi kar bike
chalaa rahaa thaa, wo meri maan chod detaa.

are, meri maan to wo chodataa hi thaa. tabhi to main nikalaa thaa.
magar main muhaawaraa sunaa rahaa thaa. duniyaa bhar mein meri sirf
apane iklaute baap se phatati thi. daaroo pee kar tez gaadi chalaate
huye accident mein mere marane ke intazaar mein dubalaa hone ki jagah
wo khud apane haathon se mujhe abhi yahin maar daalataa.

mainne surrender kar diyaa, "sir, galati ho gai. aap bade hain,
sayaane hain. kisi tarah maamalaa rafaa-dafaa kar dein to bachchaa
hameshaa aapakaa ehasaan maanegaa."

"kisi tarah", "rafaa-dafaa", "ehasaan" jaise shabd kisi bhi ghooskhor
policiye ko ek pal ke liye khud ko Mahatma Gandhi ki khoyi huyi aulaad
samajhane par majboor kar dete hain. wo bhi khush ho gayaa.

apane haath mere collar se hataa kar bolaa, "chal. too bhi kyaa yaad
karegaa. 500 hi de-de."

mainne kahaa, "gareebamaari hai, sir. main school jaane waalaa
bachchha. zaraa si pocketmoney milati hai. 50 kaa rate chal rahaa hai.
student concession mein 20. aap 100 le lein."

meri dictionary mein "zaraa si" kaa matlab "unlimited" thaa.

apane terrorist baap se apani kunwaari gaand bachaane ke liye main use
500 kyaa, 1000, 2000 bhi de detaa. magar main jaanataa thaa ki kisi
policewaale ki kahi pahali rakam maan lo, to use afasos hotaa hai ki
usane aur badi rakam kyon nahin maangi. phir wo duty par saari raat
chain se so nahin paataa hai, aur har phansane waale ko pareshaan kar
ke apani khunnas nikaalataa hai. isiliye mainne usase khaamkhwaah
mol-bhaav kiyaa thaa. jan-kalyaan mein.

wo 100 pakke maan kar khush ho gayaa, bolaa, "300."

mainne kahaa, "150."

usane kahaa, "200. waranaa chal sasuraal."

aur mainne us par laakh shukraane bhari nazar daalate huye apani pant
ki pichhali pocket mein haath daalaa.

meri gaand phir se phat gaee.

meraa purse gaayab thaa.

mujhe yaad aayaa, ki purse gaayab nahin thaa. main apanaa purse dost
ke yahaa bhool aayaa thaa. koi wajah aap fit kar lijiye, bhai. itani
stories padhate-padhate aap bhi to achchhe-khaase writer ho chuke
hain. agar purse mere paas hotaa, aur main use paise de kar ghar jaa
kar so jaataa, to kahaani kaise banati?

meraa chaunkanaa dekh kar use Gandhi ji ke do baar darshan na kar
paane kaa badaa afsos huaa. wo gurraayaa, "purse gum ho gayaa, bhool
aayaa, jaisi koi makkaari maari, to raat thaane mein gujari."

wo gussaa ho gayaa thaa, isaliye maskhari chhod kar asali dhamaki de
rahaa thaa. main bolaa, "yahi baat hai, sir. purse bhool aayaa hoon."

wo mujhe khatarnaak nazaron se ghoorane lagaa.

mainne kahaa, "sir, waadaa karataa hoon. kal subah aa kar de
jaaoongaa. aakhir mujhe is sadak par apanaa hawaai jahaaz roz udhaanaa
hai."

wo bolaa, "meri ghoos ki 8 laakh ki udhaari baaki hai. nagad de."

mainne jeb se mobile nikaal kar usaki aankhon ke saamane laharaayaa,
aur kahaa, "sir, mobile rakh lein, 9000 kaa hai. girawi rahaa. kal
cash de kar chhudaa le jaaoongaa."

wo bolaa, "nahin. picchale maheene mere ek dost ne kisi kaa mobile
rakh liyaa thaa. wo thaane mein report likhaane pahunch gayaa ki
usakaa mobile policewaale ne loot liyaa. meraa dost khade-khade
suspend kar diyaa gayaa. main koi pahachaani jaane waali cheez nahin
le sakataa."

mainne sochaa aur kahaa, "sir, meri tanki full hai. das, paanch Liter
petrol nikaal lijiye. koi nahin pahachaanegaa ki HP kaa hai yaa BPCL
kaa."

usane hisaab lagaayaa to paayaa ki wasooli ho jaayegi. par ghoos mein
petrol sun kar use mazaa nahin aayaa. bolaa, "petrol denaa huaa kare
to dabaa aur pipe saath le kar chalaa kar."

mainne kahaa, "agale ...


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