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just.for.funs.peperonity.net

<>◊Animals and Nature◊<>

Caution: Sorry Adult Language and Situations

Two men are walking in the woods and come face-to-face with a grizzly bear. One of them kneels down to tie his shoe and gets ready to run. The 2nd man asks him, "What are you doing? You know that you can't outrun a grizzly bear!" The 1st man replies, "I don't have to outrun the grizzly bear. I just have to outrun you!"
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What's gray and powdery?
Instant Elephant.
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If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, alwaysrun to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle themgently.
And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.
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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dogchecks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, thenthe butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and dropshis bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guyopens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my eye! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks.
As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says,"Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
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I was going to send you a check, but Ihave a male and a female cat, and one of them got hold of it and ate it, and as far as I can figure out..... your check is in the male.
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One day there was this boy with a dog. The other kids always laughed at the boy. The boy said, "My dog can talk." The other kids just started to laugh at him again. The dog said, "Bow." The kids stared at the boy and said, "That's as good as you can do?" The dog repeated, "Bow." The kids laughed again. Finally, the dog said, "No, no, no. I want you kids to BOW to me."
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A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
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This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
"Hey, can I get a drink on the house ifmy dog talks for you?"
"Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to punch you in the nose."
"Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?"
"Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
"THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!"
"Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?"
"Ruff!"
"What are you tryin' to pull, mister?"
"Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?"
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
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It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find its way to her nipple... Iwas so excited! I never milked a cow before...
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A man was relaxing with his eveningpaper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading.
A year later, there was another knockat the door. It was the snail.
"What'd you do that for?"
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This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells himthe dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in notime they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'mjust retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"
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A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try tomake conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been inand out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comesthe answer. "So how's your day been,Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
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