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<>◊Cars,Driving,and Travel◊<>

Caution: Adult Language and Situations

A car was involved in an accident in astreet. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not getnear the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.The lawyers each buy a ticket but thethree engineers buy only one. "How are three people going to travel on one ticket?" asked one of the lawyers. "You'll see," says an engineer.
The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom. When the conductor comes to collect the tickets, he knocks on the restroom door. "Tickets, please." The door opens a crack and a single ticket emerges. The conductor takes it and moves on.
Returning from the conference, the lawyers decide to buy a single ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are yougoing to travel without a ticket?" asks a lawyer. "You'll see," says an engineer.
The lawyers cram into a restroom and the engineers cram into another one nearby. Then, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please."
"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car,and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was movedto ease up on him a bit. "Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"
A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me upat 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo."
The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.
After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there andlet that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy who I put off in Buffalo!"
As the TransCanadian train pulled into Calgary station, a couple of strangers, a man and an attractive woman, boarded the train and asked the conductor if there were any berths left. He said that he was sorry but there was only one left, a double bunk berth. The man turned to the woman and said, "Well it's a long trip, so if you don't mind, why don't we share, I'll take the top bunk and you have the bottom one, is that OK with you?"
The woman readily agreed so they settled down for the night. About two hours later, as the train was getting well into the foothills of the Rockys and it was getting a bit cold, the man leaned over the edge of his bunk and said to the woman,"Are you still awake?"
She answered "Yes, why?"
The man, shivering, said, "Could you pass me that blanket on the dresser there, it's getting quite chilly up here?"
The woman answered "I've got a better idea, lets play man and wife!"
The man excitedly said "Sure!"
So the woman said: "In that case, getyour own blanket!"
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside.
The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down hisapple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad". As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.
They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedialaction was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crewsand engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believablelevel.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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