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Tarquin Investigates

As many of you will know we here at Nsane-axeman.co.uk have our very own intrepid reporter Tarquin Walter Andrews-Tobec. He will be reporting to us from all over the world but mainly Scotland.



Hello Tarquin Andrews-Tobec here reporting from somewhere in the middle east, Nsane-axeman.co.uk sent me here to investigate religious teachings techniques.

We went undercover and came out with the following footage of these religious teaching methods.

Middle eastern teaching dude " Ok kids we're going to teach you about god ALLAH "

Kids " woo hoo"

Middle eastern teaching dude " Ok kids lets all line up infront of me, ok now we're ready to begin , ALLAH says touch your nose....thats good....ALLAH says stand on 1 leg....thats great now kids , we're learning loads now....put your hand on your head"

1 small kid *puts hand on hand*

Middle eastern teaching dude " You fucking stupid kid havent you learnt any fucking thing you NEVER do what you want ALWAYS DO WHAT ALLAH says . Would you jump off a cliff if I told you too? "

Small kid " um....yes"

Middle eastern teaching dude " Hell no Dont do what I tell you , only what ALLAH says"

Small kid " ....but you're telling us to only listen to Allah and we're not supposed to do what you say so then .....we shouldnt listen to Allah?"

Middle eastern teaching dude " ARGH!!! ALWAYS LISTEN TO ALLAH YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!!!!! , now little kid can you hear what Allah is telling you now?"

Small kid " Um...no I cant "

Middle eastern teaching dude " He's telling you to go jump off that fucking cliff we talked about earlier"


Well as you can see from that footage , the middle east have developed highly specialised teaching method, I'm Tarquin Andrews-Tobec and this was another episode of Tarquin Investigates.


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