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~about men jokes~

How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ´woo´ sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don´t bother to look for a washcloth. (You don´t use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13 Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go ´Yeah baby´ and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, ´You know, we´re starting to get on each other´s nerves. Why don´t we split up today. I´ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we´ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.´ The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. ´Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.
The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?´
The second friend says, ´I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.´
´Wow!!´ the first guy exclaimed, ´Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did you get a blow job, too?´
´Nah,´ says the second friend over his meal, ´I couldn´t find her head.´

A man goes to the confessional. ´Forgive me father, for I have sinned.´
´What is your sin, my child?´ The priest asks back.
´Well,´ the man starts, ´I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.´
´When did you do use this awful language?´ said the priest.
´I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
´Is that when you swore?´
´No, Father.´ Said the man. ´After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.´
´Is THAT when you swore?´ asked the Father again.
´Well, no.´ said the man, ´You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!´
´Is THAT when you swore?´ asked the amazed Priest.
´No, not yet.´ The man replied. ´As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.´
´Did you swear THEN?´ asked the now impatient Priest.
´No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.´
“You missed the fucking putt, didn´t you?´ sighed the Priest.

1. If you think the way to a man´s heart is through his stomach you´re aiming too high.
2. Women don´t make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you´re sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he´s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman´s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
9. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - one woman.
12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they´d be wrong but you could still use them.
13. Men´s brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
14. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -´don´t´ and ´stop´.
15. Husbands are like children -- they´re fine if they´re someone else´s.

A motorcycle enthusiast was buying a brand new Harley Davidson, and the salesman advised the man to always keep the motorcycle in the garage because if it rained and the chrome got wet it would become ruined. The man asked, what would happen if it rained while he was out riding his motorcycle? The salesman told him to carry a jar of Vaseline, and if it began to rain, to thoroughly coat all of the chrome with Vaseline, and he should have no problem.
Later that week the man was invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner with her family. Right before entering the house the girlfriend advised that her family had an unusual tradition. She said, The first person to speak at the end of the meal has to clear the table and wash all of the dishes.
Dinner was through, and just as the girl had advised, everyone sat silently, looking at one another. The man thought about it and planted a huge kiss on the young lady right at the table. No response . Well thought the man this will surely get someone´s attention, and he grabbed the girl threw her on the table and had sex with her. Not a word was spoken. Wow, thought the man, Well surely THIS will get their attention, and he grabbed the girls mother and did her too. AGAIN, not a word was spoken, everyone sat in silence. Just then, in the distance a loud thunder crash rumbled, shaking the house. The man jumped up out of his chair and pulled the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket. The father jumped up and shouted, “Alright, I´ll do the fucking dishes!!!”

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It´s our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they´ll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Q - What´s the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run or don´t fit right in the crotch!
Q - Why do men whistle when they´re sitting on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q - What is the difference between men and women....
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to ´instruction manuals

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Germany and have the baby there.
´But how will I let you know the baby is born?´ she asked.
He replied ´Just send me a postcard and write ´sauerkraut´ on the back.´
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor´s wife called him at the office and explained ´Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today and I don´t understand what it means.´
The doctor said, ´Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you´.
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack and died. So the wife picked up the card and read, ´Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut. Two with wieners, two without´.


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