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jokes sms collection

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those bigeyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where theycame from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanityin your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

NEWS FLASH snow white has been thrown out disneyland. she pulled up her skirt, sat on pinnochios face & shoutedlie u bastard, lie, lie!

What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job still sucks after five years!
If you want SEX take a boy and RELAX but don't forget DUREX!!!

If you think fuck is funny fuck yourself and save the money.

When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!

Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't have a computer.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the averagem an can see better than he can think.

If you have no voice: SCREAM...... If you have no legs: RUN......... If you have no hope: INVENT…

When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys!!

Man: I would really like to get into your pants. Woman: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.

Kill one you're a murderer, kill 10 you're a serial murderer, kill them all, you'reGOD.

The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed. Today I know better, so I will write it in my letter. In my bed I've seen so many faces, so I'll fuck you at different places.

Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!!!

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