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Can I smell urine?

A little girl went home from school looking very worried, and on seeing this, her mam asked her what was worrying her.
´Well mummy´ said the little girl ´my friends have been saying naughty words at school and i dont know what they mean´
´Ok´ said mummy ´tell me what they were saying then and mummy will help you´
´Ok mummy´ said the little girl ´Whats a cock?´ to which mummy replied ´well darling, thats that thing that hangs between daddies legs´
´Oh´ said the little girl ´so whats a cunt then?´ to which mummy replied ´well darling, thats the rest of him´

An old man wandered into a fancy dress party at a nudist camp & won a prize for his dried fruit arrangement

A teacher asked her class if any of them could tell her a story with a moral. She was met with a deathly silence accompanied by 20 blank stares.
Eventually little Timmy piped up, ´Iv got a story with a moral miss! Its about my grandad in the war!´
´He was the only one alive in his trench & all he had was a grenade, a gun with two bullets in it, & a bottle of whiskey, & the Germans were advancing on him.
He picked the gun up, stuck his head over the top of the trench & fired a shot out of the gun & completetly missed everything, so he ducked back down & drank half the bottle of whiskey.
He picked the gun up again & took another shot, but this time he hit one of the Germans, the bullet passed through him & 3 others behind him, so he managed to take out 4 with one bullet.
He ducked back down & drank the other half bottle of whiskey & then he picked up the grenade pulled the pin & lobbed it right into the middle of the remaining Germans & wiped them all out. Thats my story miss!´
The teacher replied, ´Thats very good Timmy, & the moral of that story is Dont Give Up, is it?´
´No miss´, said little Timmy, ´The moral of that story is DONT FUCK WITH MY GRANDAD WHEN HES PISSED´

3 old men were sitting on a park bench discussing their rapidly failing faculties.
´My hands shake so much that I spilled my bleedin coffee all over my breakfast this morning´, said one of the disgruntled old codgers.
´You think thats bad, my hands shake so bad that I poked myself in the eye with my false teeth this morning for christs sakes´, grunted another.
The third old fart chirped up, ´Well my hands shake so much that every time I go for a piss I shoot my duff at least twice every time´

A primary school teacher was teaching her class about the alphabet by asking them words that start with each letter of the alphabet.
´Who can give me a word starting with A?´. Little Mary put up her hand & said, ´APPLE, miss´, & little Tommy, who suffers from Tourettes Syndrome, put up his hand & shouted, ´ARSEHOLES´
Miss replied, ´Thankyou Mary, please try not to swear Tommy´.
And so the game went on, for B Mary said BOOK & Tommy shouted BOLLOCKS, & for C Mary said CAT & Tommy shouted CRAP. By now miss was fed up with Tommys language.
And so they reached D. Mary said DUCK, & Tommy, miraculously said DWARF.
The teacher was gob smacked, ´Well done Tommy, DWARF is perfect, thankyou!´, to which Tommy replied at the top of his voice, ´YES MISS, A DWARF WITH A BEARD & A FUCKING GREAT BIG HAIRY COCK´

During a family gathering the grandfather was telling a story of when he was on jungle patrol.
´......and I ran into a clearing, but the tiger had followed me. It jumped out & went ROOOOAAAARRR!!.......´
The rest of the family waited with baited breath for the conclusion, but the old man just sat in silence staring into space. Eventually the old mans grandson said, ´so the tiger ROAR & then what?´
The old man replied, ´.... I wet myself....´, so his grandson said, ´well thats understandable, you must have been terrified, a tiger had jumped out on you!´
The old man replied, ´No, I meant just then when I went ROOOOAAAARR!!´

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