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Hilarious Place Jokes

The Blues Brothers are cool.
Listen to their place ´jokes´.

My wife´s gone to the West Indies

No, she went of her own accord.

My wife´s gone to the Indian coast
Phwoar! I´ll say!

My wife´s gone to Northern Italy
I should think so, we´ve been married for 20 years.

My wife´s had an accident on a volcano
No. She broke her leg.

My wife´s gone mad in Venezuela
Yes, absolutely loopy

My wife´s gone to the Welsh border
Search me.

My wife´s gone to the botanical gardens
Yes, it was rather busy.

Woman 1: My husband´s going to a casino in Central Asia.
Woman 2: Tibet?
Woman 1: Of course! Why else would he go?

Fella 1: My wife won´t tell me if she´s going to go to North America.
Fella 2: Alaska?
Fella 1: Would you? Thanks very much.

Person 1: I´m going to South America for my holiday.
Person 2: Chile?
Person 1: Don´t be an idiot, it´s boiling over there!

Wife 1: I´m going to Eastern Asia to buy some plates
Wife 2: China?
Wife 1: No, I thought I´d get plastic ones.

Bloke 1: I´m visiting a relative living on the South Pole.
Bloke 2: What, Antarctic?
Bloke 1: No, it´s my uncle as it happens.

Fella 1: My mate´s going fishing in Western Britain.
Fella 2: Wales?
Fella 1: No, just trout.

Artist 1: I´m going to paint some pictures on a Scottish island.
Artist 2: Skye?
Artist 1: No, I hate landscapes.

Executive 1: My wife´s gone to St. Petersburg.
Executive 2: Is she Russian?
Executive 1: No, she´s taking her time.

Person 1: I´m going to take my dog on holiday in Scotland.
Person 2: Shetland?
Person 1: No, he´s a Labrador

Actuary 1: I was planning to go to a country in Eastern Europe, but they´re suffering from a food shortage.
Actuary 2: Hungary?
Actuary 1: Yeah, that´s the whole problem.

Lech 1: I met some excellent women on a Greek island.
Lech 2: Lesbos?
Lech 1: Yes.

Engineer 1: There´s this Mediterranean island suffering from real problems with its infrastructure.
Engineer 2: Rhodes?
Engineer 1: Well, the railways are worst.

Transexual: I´m going to South America for my holiday.
Shopkeeper: Uraguay?
Transexual: No, not any more.
Shopkeeper: This is so contrived.

Prospector 1: I went looking for gold on the Pacific Rim.
Prospector 2: Japan?
Prospector 1: No, we mined.

American 1: You must come visit me in my new beach house in the South West.
American 2: California?
American 1: No, they haven´t installed the phone yet.

Yank 1: There´s a free bus service in one of them there southern states in the good old U.S. of A.
Yank 2: Texas?
Yank 1: You´re goddam right, it takes any man, woman or child!
Yank 2: Hot damn!
Yank 1: Goddam sonofabitch!
Yank 2: Tarnation! Kiss my butt, asshole! Hot-diggety dawg!
Brit: What-ho chaps! Anyone for a spot of beagling?

Hard Bloke: I had a mate who got in a fight in Persia.
Soft Bloke: Iran?
Hard Bloke: No, he stood his ground.

Engineer 1: I was working on transportation systems for an African island.
Engineer 2: Madagascar?
Engineer 1: No, they were solar-powered.

Regressive 1: I met a Magic Roundabout character in Italy.
Regressive 2: Florence?
Regressive 1: No, it was Zebedee.

Dog Owner: I went to the north of England to get some accessories for my dogs.
Dog Enquirer: Leeds?
Dog Owner: No, flea-spray.

Half-wit 1: My wife´s going clothes-shopping in the Channel Islands.
Half-wit 2: Jersey?
Half-wit 1: No, track-suit.

Veteran 1: I ran flights over India during the war.
Veteran 2: Bombay?
Veteran 1: No, it was inland.

Fat Bloated Pubster 1: I like playing bar games in the south of England.
Fat Bloated Pubster 2: Poole?
Fat Bloated Pubster 1: No, I prefer darts.

Home Owner: I´ve been doing some refurbishments to my new home near Torquay.
Home Enquirer: Paignton?
Home Owner: No, I´m wallpapering.

Boffin 1: Have you heard of the latest plant-animal hybrid they´ve made in a Russian city?
Boffin 2: Moscow?
Boffin 1: No, fungal sheep.

Quantity Surveyor 1: I´ve just been to the French Riviera.
Quantity Surveyor 2: Nice?
Quantity Surveyor 1: No, the sewage was appalling.

Chap 1: My pet went to Holland to build a water structure.
Chap 2: Amsterdam?
Chap 1: No, he built an aquaduct.

Husband 1: I took my wife to Indonesia last month.
Husband 2: Jakarta?
Husband 1: No, I took her by plane.

Orphan 1: My parents died in Iraq.
Orphan 2: Bhagdad?
Orphan 1: Yeah, and mum as well.

Ambassador 1: I´ve got to go to the Middle East!
Ambassador 2: Kuwait?
Ambassador 1: No, I´ve got to go now!

Businessman 1: I really want to go to a country in Africa.
Businessman 2: Kenya?
Businessman 1: No, I just can´t afford it.

Geordie 1: My parents want me to go to Scandinavia.
Geordie 2: Norway?
Geordie 1: Yes way!

Arms Dealer 1: I went to the Middle East recently.
Arms Dealer 2: Dubai?
Arms Dealer 1: No, but I did sell a couple of tanks.

Shopper 1: I want to get some good poultry from Southern Europe.
Shopper 2: Turkey?
Shopper 1: No, grouse has more flavour.

Man 1: I ripped a hole in my pullover when I was in America.
Man 2: New Jersey?
Man 1: No, I think I´ll try to mend it.

Boatie 1: They´ve gone mad for boating in a country in Eastern Europe.
Boatie 2: Romania?
Boatie 1: Exactly!

Belle: My mate´s going to a casino in the South of France.
Sebastian: Toulouse?
Belle: I hope not, he only took a thousand francs.

MP 1: I´m off to the Indian sub-continent.
MP 2: Ceylon?
MP 1: I´m not going for another month yet!

Dick Cockhead: I want to pull my pants down in outer space.
Wank Toolface: Moon? Uranus?
Dick Cockhead: Yeah, that´s right.

Publican: My wife´s gone to the Indian coast.
Bloke: Goa?
Publican: Phwoar! I´ll say!

Loss adjuster: I´m thinking of going to Malawi soon.
Quantity surveyer: Lilongwe?
Loss adjuster: Yes, about 5000 miles.

Eastender´s fan: My husband got an upset tummy in Laos.
Brookside fan: Inkhazi?
Eastender´s fan: Yes, constantly.

Flatmate: My friend went on a sailing course in Poole.
Corrugatedmate: In Dorset?
Flatmate: Yes, he´d recommend it to anyone.

Tall girl: My boyfriend caught a cold in the Gulf.
Fat girl: Qatar?
Tall girl: Yes, he was coughing up greenies for weeks...

Grieving parent: One of my two daughters was murdered by a cannibal!
Insensitive friend: Henrieta?
Grieving parent: No, it was Clare.

Newsagent: My mate´s a soldier in South America.
Customer: Paraguay?
Newsagent: Well, he´s a commando.

Jake: My wife went to the West Indies for her holiday.
Elroy: Jamaica?
Jake: Look, I´m getting annoyed with these jokes, and I´m afraid I shall have to kill you.

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