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Joke$

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understanD him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.



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