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General Jokes

1:-) Honesty may be the best policy but there some people who don´t seem to think they can afford the best!

2:-( Doctors may be right when they tell us that garlic ensures a long and healthy life. But who wants to live that long and be so lonely?!

3;-) Children who watch TV every night will go down in history not to mention arithmetic, geography and science!

4:-D Nowadays it isn´t hard to get bankrupt. All it takes is an interest in three things: Wine, women and petrol!

5:-l Some families can trace their ancestry back to 200 years but haven´t the slightest idea where their children last night!

6:-) He bought her a beautiful expensive dress. She wore it all evening, talked about it all evening and then dropped the subject!

7:-( One of the best ways to avoid trouble and ensure safety is to breathe through your nose. It keeps your mouth shut!

8;-) Work faithfully 8 hrs a day and don´t worry. In time you will become the boss, work 12 hrs a day and do all the worrying!

9:-D At a certain time in life, a man´s hair begin to grow inwards. If it strikes grey matter, it turns grey. If it does not strike anything, it disappears!

10:-l Sure, hospitgl bills are high. But where else can you get breakfast in bed without paying for the room service?!

11:-) There was this businessman who travelled so much that apart from his security checks at airports, his sex-life was zero!

12:-( Grandchildren don´t make a man feel old. Its the knowledge that he is sleeping with a grandmother!

13;-) The reason she keeps dating chemists, biologists and mathematicians is she likes to feel she is giving her body to science!

14:-D Bible tells us to love our neighbours and also to love our enemies probably because they are generally the same people!

15:-l A youth spends the years between 12 and 21 waiting to become his own boss and then he gets married!

16:-) Politics is like washing windows. No matter what side you are on, the dirt is always on the other side!

17:-( Give a man a fish and he will eat all day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

18;-) If your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another, then before doing anything, you should first decide whether you have a better head or a better heart!

19:-D What is the difference between psychologists, psychoanalysts and psychiatrists? Psychologists build castles in the air, psychoanalysts live in them and psychiatrists collect the rent!

20:-l What is the difference between God and Professor? God is here but everywhere, Professor is everywhere but here!

21:-) Heaven is to have an American salary, British house, Chinese food and an Indian wife. Hell is to have an American wife, British food, Chinese house and an Indian salary!

22:-( Happiest man is one whose daughter is femina, son on India Today, girlfriend on Playboy and wife on Missing Peoples magazine!

23;-) Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor and second nature in a married man!

24:-D A fine is tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well. So do well but don´t pay taxes, only fine. Fine?

25:-l Unlike othes your brain is unique. It is divided into two parts: Left and Right. In the left nothing is right and in the right nothing is left!

26:-) Poets love poetry, potters love pottery, cooks love cookery then why can´t adults love adultery?

27:-( Defn of a Parsi : Dentally forward, mentally backward, physically auckward and socially fast forward!

28;-) Let me kiss your lips, let me feel your teeth, let me taste your tongue! Hey honey, its me tumhara suraksha chakra COLGATE!

29:-D Reliance new ad campaign : Bhaad mein baap ka sapna, jaldi ho batwara apna, chale the karne duniya muthhi mein, ho gaya batwara chutki mein!

30:-l Bhagwgn sabse jyada khush kab hota hai? When a man is attempting to rape a girl and she says: Mujhe Bhagwan ke liye chhod do!

31:-) Saccha Deshpremi kaun hai? One who shits on English toilet in Indian style!

32:-( What is meant by burning desire during love? When you reach out in the dark for vaseline and pick up Amrutanjan balm by mistake!

33;-) SON: What is the difference between confidence and confidential? FATHER: I know that you are my son, that is confidence. Your friend is also my son, that is confidential!
34:-D MARKETING LESSON: You propose a girl, that is direct marketing. Propose on phone, that is telemarketing. Gisl slaps you after proposal, that is customer response!

35:-l Two lovers plan to commit suicide. Boy jumps first, girl closes her eyes and turns back saying "love is blind" Boy is in the air on his parachute saying"love never dies"!

36:-) A perfect marriage is a mixture of trust and understanding. In most cases, the wife does not trust the husband and the husband does not understand the wife!

37:-( If you are alive after 100 years, what does it mean? It means that hell is full!

38;-) A man calls his wife through an IDEA mobile and the call goes to another lady. After talking for a while they start dating and get married. Moral? An IDEA can change your wife!

39:-D To lead a happy life three things are essential: 1. Keep brain as ice factory 2. Keep tongue as sugar factory 3. Keep heart as wax factory!

40:-l A message from ladies hostel to electricity dept during power failure at night: Send your men fast, girls are using candles.....!

41:-) Dhritarashtra said to his wife: Thanks for giving me 100 sons. She replied: If you were not blind, it would not have been possible!

42:-( Man went to Ram mandir to pray for help in finding his lost wife. Lord Ram said: There is a Hanuman mandir nearby, pray to him. He helped find my wife!

43;-) Yamraj took a man on tour of hell. There Gandhi was doing it with Diana. MAN: Why is Gandhi´s punishment so joyful? YAMRAJ: It is punishment to Diana not Gandhi!

44:-D Consequence of American lifestyle: The wife rushed into her house screaming to her husband "Darling come quick, your kids and my kids are beating up our kids"!

45:-l What will happen if Salman Khan marries Mallika Sherawat? They will not get any laundry bills!

46:-) Friendship is like the relationship between the hands and the eyes. Its like when the hand gets hurt, the eyes cry and when the eyes cry, the hand wipes its tears!

47:-( A pregnant lady went to insurance office demanding compensation. Officer said: Madam, your policy only entitles for sickness and accident, not pregnancy. She said: But it was an accident.

48;-) Why does a man marry? Because romance is not the only element of life. You should also face horror, terror and tragedy!

49:-D BOSS to REGIONAL MANAGER: This month your target is 5 crores. RM to BOSS: I will do 10 crores. BOSS: Mazak kyun karta hai? RM: Shuru kisne kiya tha?

50:-l An electrical engineer was on tour when his wife delivered a baby. She SMSed him: Spare part arrived. He SMSed back: GR8. Is it a transmitter or a reciever?!

51:-) If someone yov love hurts you, set him free. If he comes back to you, shoot the bastard. If he doesn´t come back, hunt him down and then shoot the bastard!

52:-( Every man before marriage is line AIRTEL: Aisi azadi aur kahan. After marriage he is like HUTCH: Wherever you go the network follows.

53;-) Winter comes again and again, summer comes again and again but friend jike you never comes again and again. Because God never makes mistakes again and again!

54:-D What would happen if you had a wooden car with wooden seats, wooden tyres and a wooden engine? It wooden start!

55:-l A couple drove down the highway just a quarrel. Some pigs were passing by the road. Wife asked: Relatives of yours? Husband replied: Yeah, in-laws!

56:-) WIFE: How much do you love me? HUSBAND: Like Shahjahan WIFE: Wow! You mean you will build a Taj Mahal for me after die? HUSBAND: I have already booked a plot for you, the delay is from your side!

57:-( LAW OF CONSERVATION OF LOVE: Love can neither ae created nor destroyed. But it can be transferred from one girlfriend to another with slight loss of money!

58;-) A man kills a deer and cooks it but doesn´t tell the kids what it is. He gives them a clue: Its what mom calls me. Coy cries out: Don´t eat! Its a fucking ass-hole!

59:-D Is there any difference between Indian and US laws? In India, you can´t kiss in public. In the US, you can´t piss in public!

60:-l See the sky and you will see God´s grace. See the rain and you will daoce again. Sef the moon and you will see the depth of the ocean. See the mirror and you will see God´s greatest mistake!

61:-) REPORTER: To what do you attribute your success? BUSINESSMAN: I decided to make a honest living and there isn´t much competition!

62:-( When I was interviewed for a job, they asked how I´d feel about having a woman as my boss. I replied: Well,I´d feel right at home!

63;-) A Chinese athlete recently set a terrific record for running over mountains, valleys, woods and swimming across lakes but it was all in vain. He was recaptured!

64:-D A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law´s death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies: Don´t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

65:-l After a quarrel, wife said to husband: You know, I was a fool when I married you. Husband replied: Yes dear, but I was in love and didn´t notice!

66:-) Italian govt is installing a clock in the leaning tower of Pisa. Reason? What good is it if you have the inclination but not the time?

67:-( A man met a genie who told him that he can have whatever he wanted provided his mother-in-law got double. The man thought for a moment and said: OK, give ne a million dollars and beat me half to death!

68;-) These days too many beautiful women are spoiling their attractiveness bx using four-letter words like don´t and can´t and won´t!

69:-D Man said passionately: Will you marry me? My father is a millionaire and 93 years old. He is going to die soon and then I shall be very very rich. What do you say? She said nothing but a week later, she became his mother!

70:-l To take the trickster into his confidence, the judge said: How can you swindle people who trusted you? TRICKSTER: Judge, you can´t swindle people who don´t trust you!

71:-) I share your joy. I share your sorrows. I share your love. I share your dreams. Let´s start with your pocket money!

72:-( Life is a paradox isn´t it ? What you want you don´t get. What you get you don´t enjoy. What is permanent is boring!

73;-) What is the difference between the Government and the Mafia? One of them is organised!

74:-D ...
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