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Medicals Jokes

1:-) PATIENT: Doctor, if I give up wine, women and song, will I live longer? DOCTOR: Not really. It will just seem longer!

2:-( Question: What is an out-patient? Answer: A patient who has already passed out!

3;-) Benefits of having Alzeimer´s Disease: 1.You never have to watch re-runs on TV 2.You are always meeting new people 3.You don´t have to remember the whines & complaints of your spouse 4.Mysteries are always interesting!

4:-D DOCTOR: Did you know that there are 1,000 bones in your body? PATIENT: Shhh,doctor! There three dogs outside in the waiting room!

5:-l What do you get when two hearts fight? A heart attack!

6:-) The four stages of getting sick: Ill, pill, bill, will!

7:-( A psychiatrist and a proctologist teamed up for medical practice. The sign outside their clinic reads: ODDS & ENDS!

8;-) A man told his psychiatrist that he felt he had a split personality. The doctor charged him double!

9:-D First man: You got to see my doctor. He is very reasonable. Second man: How´s that? First man: Well, if you can´t afford the operation, he touches up the x-rays!

10:-l PATIENT: Doctor, You have got to help me. My wife thinks she is an elevator.DOCTOR: Bring her to see me. PATIENT: I can´t. She doesn´t stop at this floor!

31:-) PATIENT: I always see spots before my eyes. DOCTOR: Didn´t the new glasses help? PATIENT: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer!

32:-( DOCTOR: Are you an organ donor? PATIENT: No, but once I donated an old piano to the Army!

33;-) Large crowe was surrounding a car accident. On hearing about this, a doc arrived and tried to reach the spot but was each time he was pushed back. Finally he shouted: Let me go, the victim is my father. The crowd paved the way for him and then he saw a dead donkey lying in front of the car!

34:-D What is a double-blind study? Two orthopaedicians reading an ECG!

35:-l The man told his doctor that he was not able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the dxam was over he asked: Now doc, can I have it? Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. Doc replied: Well, in plain English, you are just lazy. The man said: OK. Now give me the medical term so that I can tell my wife!

36:-) ´ Help´ came a frantic cry in a train compartment ´ Is there a doctor here?´ ´ I an a doctor´ responded a man leaping in from the next compartment. ´ Who needs help?´ ´ I do´ a passenger responded gladly. ´ Tell me, what is the name of a throat dease consisting of six letters´!

37:-( Man goes to chemist: I want to buy poison. CHEMIST: I can´t sell you that. Man shows wife ´s photo. CHEMIST: Oh, sorry. I didn´t know you had a prescription!

38;-) How do you differentiate the doctors? GENERAL PRACTITIONERS: Know nothing and do little. SURGEONS: Know little and do everything.
INTERNISTS: Know everything and do nothing. PATHOLOGISTS: Know everything and can do everything but its usually too late!

39:-D How do you tell the difference between male and female chromosomes? Pull down their genes!

40:-l A woman went to the doctor.DOCTOR: You've got Tuberculosis. The shocked woman said: I don't believe you! I want a second opinion.
DOCTOR: O.K., You're ugly as well!

41:-) PATIENT: I can't control my aggression. DOC: How long have you had thus problem?PATIENT: Who wants to know?

42:-( PATIENT: I keep thinking that I'm a pair of curtains. DOCTOR: For heaven's sake, pull yourself together!

43;-) PATIENT: I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember a thing.DOCTOR: How long have you had this problen? PATIENT: What problem?

44:-D PATIENT: I think I have swallowed a pillow. DOCTOR: How do you feel now? PATIENT: Ifeel down in the mouth!

45:-l PATIENT: I have got only 59 seconds to live. DOCTOR: Wait a minute!

46:-) PAtient: I've swallowed the film from my camera. DOCTOR: We'll just have to see what develops!

47:-( DOCTOR: Your cough sounds much better today. PATIENT: It should. I practiced all night!

48;-) After his annual examination, patient asked his doctor: Well, doc, how do I stand? DOCTOR: That's what puzzles me!

49:-D PATIENT: Every morning when I get up and look up in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? DOCTOR: I don't know, but
your eyesight is perfect!

50:-l My doctor gave me six months to live. But when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more!

51:-) After examining an attractive lady, the doc beamed: Mrs Smith, I have got good
news for you! PATIENT: Pardon me, its Miss Smith. DOC: Oh. Well, Mrs Smith, I have got bad news for you!

52:-( " Doc, what's wrong with me?" " Madam, you are too fat, you use too much rouge and lipstick, you have hair bleached, you smoke too much and one other thing - you are in the wrong office. The doc is next door!

53;-) A doc used to play a game with some of his of his young patients to test their knowledhe of body parts. One day, while pointing to a boy's ear, he asked: Is this your nose? The child turned to his mother and said: Mom, I think we better find a new doc!

54:-D Doctor examining a boy in his surgery suddenly nipped out and asked his receptionist for a screwdriver. A moment later, he was out again asking for a hammer and a chisel. When he came out a third time, the boy's mother asked anxiously: For goodness' sake,doc! What's the matter with him? DOCTOR: I don't know. I haven't had a chance to examine him yet. I 'm still trying to get my bag open!

55:-l DOCTOR: You should stop taking these sleeping pills before they become a habit. PATIENT: Nonsense! I have been taking them for fifteen years and they haven't become a habit yet!

56:-) A psychiatric patient complained so bitterly about stomach pains that finally the doc decided to operate - and inside the poor fellow, he found a bouquet of roses! DOCTOR: Now, how the hell did those flowers get in there? PATIENT: Damned if I know. Let's look at the card and see who they're from!

57:-( NURSE: Who is your family doctor? PATIENT: Hard to say. NURSE: Surely you must know his name. PATIENT: It's not as easy as that. Mom goes to an eye doc, dad to a stomach doc, my brother is being treated by a psychiatrist and I'm under an orthopaedician!

58;-) YOUNG DOCTOR: Do you mind if I ask you why you always ask your patients what they have eaten? OLD DOCTOR: Not at all my boy. Their food is very important. It helps me gauge my fees!

59:-D A man arrived at the psychiatrist's consulting room in a very distressed state. He explained: I keep getting these awful nightmares. Every night it's the same. I find muself in a large room with dozens of gorgeous girls. PSYCHIATRIST: What's so awful about that? PATIENT; In the dream, I'm a girl too!

61:-) A man walked into a cardiologist's office and said: Can you help me? I think I'm a moth. DOCTOR:You don't need a cardiologist, you need a psychiatrist. MAN: Yes, I know. DOCTOR: Then why did you come here? MAN: Well, the light was on.....!

62:-( Nurse to patient: Why did you run away from the operation? PATIENT: Because the OT sister said before the operation "What are you afraid of? It's only a routine appendix operation" NURSE: So what? PATIENT: She said it to the surgeon, not me!

63;-) PATIENT: Everytime I get into the bed, I think there is someone under it. You've got to help me. PSYCHIATRIST: Come to me thrice a week for two years & I'll cure your fears.I'll charge you only $100 a visit. PATIENT: I'll think over it. Six months later doc met the patient. PSYCHIATRIST: Why you never came to see me? PATIENT: For $100 a visit? A carpenter cured me for $10.PSYCHIATRIST: Is that so? How? PATIENT: He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

64:-D PSYCHIATRIST to Patient: You have nothing to worry about. Anyone who can pay my bills is certainly not a failure!

65:-l DOC: What is the matter with you? PATIENT: Typhoid fever. DOC: That illness either kills you or leaves you an idiot. I know because I've had it!

66:-) DOC to PATIENT: Say aah, now put out your tongue. As patient sat with mouth agape, doc wrote 2 prescriptions. DOC: Ah yes, that's fine, you may shut your mouth and he gave him the prescriptions and showed him out. NURSE: You dhdn't even look at his mouth, let alone examine his tongue or tonsils. DOC: Its nice to have a little peace and quiet when I'm writing out prescriptions!

67:-D A 6ther complained to the doc about her daughter's strange eating habits: All day long she lies in the bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her? DOC: Eventually she will rise and shine!

68;-) PATIENT: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests. DOCTOR: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. PATIENT: But I'm the examiner!

69:-( The worst thing a doctor could say to hos patient: Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right!

70:-) PSYCHIATRIST: What's wrong with your brother? SISTER: He thinks he's a chicken. PSYCHIATRIST: How long has he been acting like a chicken?
SISTER: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs!

71:-l Young man to doctor: There is nothing wrong with me. I just dropped by to tell you how much benefit I got from your treatments. DOCTOR: I've never seen you before. You are no patient of mine. MAN: I'm not, but my uncle was!

72:-D DOCTOR: How is your husband's lumbago? WIFE: Not too good. I rubbed his back with whisky like you told me to and he broke his neck trying to lick it off!

73;-) PATIENT to dentist: OK doc, what do I need to get done? DENTIST: Well, your teeth are alright, but your gums will have to come out!

74:-( MAN: My wife is in a real sorry state. She usually stays awake till 2 or 3 in the morning. What can I do for her? DOCTOR: Come home earlier!

75:-) PATIENT: I'm worried about this eye operation. DOCTOR: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference!

76:-l DOCTOR to patient: In your case, treatment is not expensive; but for the diagnosis, you might have to seek a bank loan!

77:-D DOCTOR: I can't do anything for your problem. It's hereditary. PATIENT: In that case, send the bill to my grandfather!

78;-) PATIENT: You've got to help me doctor. I have this fondness for doing bird imitations. DOCTOR: That doesn't seem bad to me. PATIENT: Oh sure! That's because you don't have to swallow the worms!

79:-( PSYCHIATRIST to his receptionist: Ah....there goes the only woman I've ever loved. RECEPTIONIST: So, why don't you marry her? PSYCHIATRIST: Can't afford to. She's my best patient!

80:-) A man ran into the emergency room and said to the first doc he saw: Quick! Do you know the cure for the worst case of hiccups in history? Without saying a word, the doc drove a knee into the man's groin forcing him to draw down a massive gulp of air. DOCTOR: There, bet you don't have hiccups any more. The man
wheezed through his teeth: No, but my wife in the car does!
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