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**Students get drunk**

drinking guide

symptom:drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt is all wet.
fault: mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face.
cure: buy another pint and practise in front of a mirror. do so with as many pints as is needed to perfect the technique.
SYMPTOM: drinking fails to satisfy taste & unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty
CURE: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
CURE: Turn the glass the other way up, so the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: incorrect bladder control.
CURE: Go stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the dog´s owner about the lack of the dog´s training, Demand pint in compensation.
SYMPTOM: Bar blurred.
FAULT: you are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
CURE: Find someone to buy you another pint.
SYMPTOM: Bar swaying.
FAULT: Air turbulence unusually high. may be due to darts match.
CURE: Insert a broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Bar moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
CURE: Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you´re being hijacked by the salvation army.
SYMPTOM: You notice the opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and strip lights.
FAULT: you have fallen over backwards.
CURE: If the glass is full & no-one is standing on your arm, stay there.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: student union?pub has closed
SYMPTOM: you wake up to find bed hard cold & wet, you cannot see your bedroom walls.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
CURE: Check your watch to see if it is opening time.--If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

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