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*doctors notes*

[real medical acronyms in use in UK hospitals]

UBI~ Unexplained Beer Injury
PAFO~ Pissed And Fell Over
ATFO~ Asked To Fuck Off. Patient was told to leave but refused
PAGE IMMEDIATELY~ tramps often enter hospitals with bogus complaints in the hope of getting a bed for the night. Nurses in Glasgow would use a special laser scanner (actually their pager) to wave over tramps head to supposedly cure him then send him on his way
CODE BROWN~ Patient is faecal incontinent
DBI~ Dirt Bag Index. Doctors charming formula which multiplies number of tattoos patient has with number of missing teeth to estimate how many days patient has gone without a bath
CTD~ Circling The Drain. Patient is about to die
GPO~ Good for Parts Only. Terminal patient
ORGAN DONOR~ doctor talk for any motorcyclist
RULE FIVE~ more than five of patients orifices are obscured by tubing-will probably die soon
MAKING THE O SIGN~ patient is very sick-this may be followed by Making the Q Sign- patient is terminal
LOBNH~ Lights On But Nobody Home
TBH~ Total Body Pain
PUMPKIN POSITIVE~ persons brain is so small that a torch phone into his mouth would light up his head like a Halloween pumpkin
GOK~ God Only Knows
FLK~ Funny Looking Kid
GLM / MILF~ Good Looking Mum/ Mother Id Like to Fuck
TEETH~ Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
A/C~Ash Cash. Keep this one til they die, persuade family to go for a cremation and earn commission from crematoria
EPB~Educated Pain in the Bum. Educated, usually middle-class, read Sunday paper article and therefore assumes they know best, telling the dr what to do and how to do it
CNS-QNS~ Central Nervous System-Quantity Not Sufficient. Stupid patient
PGT~Patient Got Thumped. Been in a fight so don´t give patient sympathy
DIGGING FOR WORMS~about to undergo variscoe vein surgery
DEPARTURE LOUNGE~The geriatric ward
HANDBAG POSITIVE~Confused patient,usually female,clutching handbag with bewildermint
TTFO~Told to go away. Discharged
GOMOT~Get Out of My Operating Theatre. Used for frivolous ops,border-line necessary stomach pumps-ie,2 valium+a couple of ciders followed by a drunken sleep,concerned friends freak out,call ambulance,etc
>ALSO NOtE thiS~Nurse Janetti Von Spaghetti will NOT be seeing you now or ever<

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