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vintagedoll.peperonity.net

[dec.12.05]

hmm. . . today was ok. work wuz fun. i love it. me + rae-ann hav the best time evday. wer soooo wierd lolz so, i dunno. i decided to be a vegetarian agn. i usd ta be for a long time, but nw i am agn. i hate meat neway. n milk. eeewww AND eggs. lol neway, went to corys funeral. was sooo hard. saw all his friend. ther all goth n emo. soo pretty tho. n all his family. there was alot of ppl. everyone was in tears. at first i wouldnt look at him. i was too scared, b/c i knew i wud cry. eventually i looked. ther was alot of makeup. made him look dark. n they had him in his favorite black beanie. lots of pictures too. then they played his movies he had made before with his video camera n playd his music. i didnt cry rite away, but thn one of his friends just broke down so hard, n then i did. thn during the service. it was ok. was beautiful. till thy brought the casket out n covered it with a white sheet. that got to me. was like. . thats it. final. the end. i kept thinkin . .no it cant be. how can he be dead? well he is in a better place. i feel bad b/c one of the last times i saw him, i was at his house, w8n 4 his dad to bring the c.p.s shirt out, n cory came out. in all black n a beanie. sat in a chair nxt to me, n i was standing. he lit a cigarette, n just kept staring at me not lookin away, n he was like 2ft away. so i finally lookd ova n im like "hey" n he goes "hey wts up" n kept lookn at me. thn i said "latah" n left. n afta was talkn bout hm lookn ruff. hmph. i will nva judge anyone agn. i swear. my little bro ben was cryn the whole time. [cory is his step brother. my mom's ex bf's new wife is cory's mom] he's not rly related to me, but kinda. ya knw. so im not sure if its okay that he liked me bt he still was just a kewl guy to me. like a friend. nothn mor. i considered hm like ma step bro too tho. neway, was difficult. reminded me of my friend jake's death. everybody thot cory was on his way too school. it was ten a.m on the 6th, n he was on his bike at the stop lites. he was turn n at the same time a green semi was too. he took a sharp turn n didnt see cory, n just like that he was hit n killed. the thing is tho, [only family knows] cory had been skippin school everyday for a week, n he was the opposite direction of the school. he had been going to c his dad. b/c he nva gets too. so now his mom is blamin his dad sayn if he had went to school instead of goin to c his dad, then he wud still be alive. thaz wrong huh? yea. well, my eyes r all cried out. this whole thing has changed me. im not goin to judge others. gotta treat everyone the way thy shud b treatd. IF U LOVE SOMEBODY, TELL THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN U CAN!!!!!!! because u neva know if its the last time ur ever goin to c them. im not goin to be suicidal. [i have alrdy changd that tho] im not goin to argue. or blame. or hate. or manipulate. im goin to respect wut ppl want n say n ther decisions. this is the new me. i cant b stuck up. u all wer rite. i was. i always lookd dwn on ppl, sayn 'sux ta b her/hm' 'im glad i aint that big' 'wud hate to look like that' etc etc. im ashamed, but will not do it anymore. everyone is there own person. cant help who u are. so yea. hope everyone will find this ok. cuz i know iv been a selfish bitch n sumhow still was liked, so hope i will be liked for bein nice lol, plus it goes with my smile =] so, woo hoo new moi. lolz ta ta mwa


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