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~Funny Quotes~


The future isn't what it used to be. YOGI BERRA

Children really brighten up a household.They never turn the lights off. RALPH BUS

The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense. TOM CLANCY

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. RITA MAE BROWN

I am desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. DAVE EDISON

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ALBERT EINSTEIN

Never trust a thin chef. ANONYMOUS

Thank God i'm an atheist. LUIS BUNUEL

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all i've lost is two weeks. TOTIE FIELDS

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. IIIE NASTASE

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. SAM EWING

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police. JEFF MARDER

The only reason i made a commercial for a credit card was to pay for my credit card bill. PETER USTINOV

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. MARK TWAIN

I never knew what real happiness was until i got married but by then it was too late. MAX KAUFMAN

If you look like your passport photo,you're too ill to travel. WILL KOMMEN

If at first you don't succeed,so much for skydiving. HENRY YOUNGMAN

Human beings are the only creatures on earth who allow their kids to come back home. BILL COSBY

History will be kind to me for i intend to write it. WINSTON CHURCHILL

If we knew what it was we were doing,it would not be called research,would it? ALBERT EINSTEIN

My doctor gave me six months to live but when i couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. WALTER MATTHAU

Personally,i don't think there's intelligent life on other planets.Why should other planets be any different from this one? BOB MONKHOUSE

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour.Sit with an attractive woman for an hour and it seems like a minute.That's relativity. ALBERT EINSTEIN

Never go to bed mad.Stay up and fight. PHYLLIS DILLER

Never have children,only grandchildren. GORE VIDAL

It's odd how people waiting for you stand out far less clearly than people you are waiting for. JEAN GIRAUDOUX

I started at the top and worked my way down. ORSON WELLES

I'm not so think as you drunk i am. JOHN SQUIRE

A celebrity is a person who works hard to become known,then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised. FRED ALLEN

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its written on. SAMUEL GOLDWYN

We have to believe in free will.We've got no choice. ISSAC SINGER

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying. WOODY ALLEN

Women are really much nicer than men.No wonder we like them. KINGSLEY AMIS

I do not object to people looking at their watches when i am speaking,but i strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still working. WILLIAM BIRKETT

I stopped believing in santa claus when i was six.Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. SHIRLEY TEMPLE

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:the older she gets,the more interested he is in her. AGATHA CHRISTIE

Well,if i called the wrong number,why did you answer the phone? JAMES THURBER

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. WOODY ALLEN


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