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funny - Comics/Fantasy/Anime


1. Wee auld man totters into tha chemists to buy Viagra, he says "can ah hae 6 tablets an ah need them cut in2 quarters...!" "I could cut them for you..." says tha chemist "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection...!" "ah'm 96" says tha man "ah dinny hae much use fir an erection lassie... ah just want it stickin' oot far enuff so ah dinny pish awe ova ma baffies...!

2. A baby baboon said to his mum "why do we look like this? We are so ugly" Mum replied, "son be grateful, u should see tha poor bastard reading this text!"

3. How do you make a Harvey Wallbanger? Move tha furniture about in Jordans house.

4. Susan Boyle has a photoshoot 2morrow 2 boost her confidence, she is going 2 be surrounded by people uglier than her. Tha bus will pick you up at 9 o'clock.

5. Hi, I just heard on tha radio someone checked into tha psycho ward wearing only a thong & riding a goat. I'll come & get you... but this shit really has to stop!

6. Teacher asks tha class to name things that end with "tor" that eats things. Tha 1st little boy says alligator, very good thats a big word. Tha 2nd boy says predator, yes thats another big word. Tha 3rd boy says vibrator miss, thats a big word but it doesn't eat anything, well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like fuck!

7. Husband admiring his naked body in tha mirror, says to his wife "look at that, 12 stone of pure dynamite" wife replies "it's a fuckin' shame about tha 2 inch fuse".

8. I was out enjoying an Indian meal tha other night when tha waiter came up to me an said "CURRY OKAY"? I said " Go on then, just one fuckin' song then fuck off!"

9. Paddy walks past a new pub & sees a sign in tha window, 'SPECIAL OFFER: Pies = 50p, wanks = 10p.' He couldn't believe his luck! He goes in & sees a stunning blonde barmaid and asks her, "Are you tha one that gives wanks?" "Yes" she replies "Well" he says " Wash your hands, I want a pie!"

10. A jellbaby walks into tha doctors with liquorice stuck to his cock. Doctor asks "What tha hell have you been up to?" The jellybaby replies "Fucking Allsorts!"

11. Some random facts: An elephant shit's half it's weight in 2 days; A man's penis is 3 times tha length of his thumb; 2 multiplied by 2 equals 4; A woman would have finished reading this by now, but a man would would still be checking tha size of his thumb!

12. Paddy was driving home pissed out his mind. Suddenly he swerved to avoid a tree, then another, and another. A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over tha road. Paddy tells tha cop all about tha trees on tha road. The cop says, "For fuck's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener!"

13. "ERECTUS TROUSERIUS" or tha trouser snake is tha worlds most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length 5 - 6 inches ( although some are said to reach 8 - 10 inches depending on tha honesty of tha owner) It appears usually in bedrooms, attacking women in tha mouth or tha lower abdominal area, It's spit can cause swelling, lasting 9 months! Some mutant species are also known to attack from behind!

14. A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions". To liven up tha lesson he asked one of tha female students, "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" she replies, "Probably having a pint with his mates".

15. Hoppy now ear, I mean hippy no ears, merry new your, oh fuck it ol tha bist for 1002, I mean have a good no ear........ Ah fuck it I'ma having another drink!

16. An elephant meets a camel and asks, "Why do you have big huge tits on your back?" The camel replies, "That's fuckin' rich coming from a fat bastard with a cock on his face!"

17. One of lifes great mysteries - why is it that a woman can fit a 7 inch cock into her half inch pussy IN THA DARK....... but she is unable to fit a 15 foot car into a 25 foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?!

18. A 78yr old woman was steppin' out of tha bath & got a pain in her chest, she thought to herself "I'ma having a heartattack" 'til she noticed she was standing on her tit!

19. A man said to his wife " I had to show my grey hair to get my pension" tha wife says " You should have shown them your cock, we would have got disability allowance!"

20. What do you call a Chinese woman who can lick her own pussy? "WON LONG TONG!"

21. A Wee lad in class shouts out " I NEED A PISH" Teacher says " Tha word is urinate!" If you can give me a sentence with tha word urinate in it, then you can go to tha toilet? The boy responds "Alright miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd definitely be a ten!"

22. A man goes to tha doctors with a cucumber up his arse, a carrot up his nose, a banana in his ear, he says to tha doc " What's wrong with me?", Tha doc says "You'll be fine, just start eating right!"

23. A woman walks into a bar, orders a bottle of crystal champagne. She then lifts her skirt, takes down her thong and pours tha champagne all over her pussy. The barman is amazed and asks "Why did you do that?" She replies "I've just won tha lottery, and thats tha only cunt I'ma sharing it with!"

24. Tha heaviest penis ever recorded weighed 1.2kg?. Nobody's ever weighed tha biggest pussy, so if you can jump on tha scales and text ne bak!

25. Based on statistics, tha most used sexual position is DOGGY STTLE - The husband sits and begs, while tha wife rolls over & plays dead!

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