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*Sily burglar*
in 1971 burglar Rodney Dobson was arrested for the 43rd time handing down a suspended sentence of 18 months the judge said ´you should give up burglary.
you have a withered hand an artificial leg and only one eye you are a useless burglar.´
*Dead scary*
in september 1960 a male patient died of heart attack and 5 were treated for shock at the haslemere home for the elderly Great Yarmouth when Gladys Elton 81 perfomed a striptease.
the next year 3 more died after Harry Meadows 87 dressed up as the grim reaper and appeared at the window weilding a scythe.
*Satisfied customer*
after being arrested for shoplifting in London in 1993 35 year old mother of three Julie amiri told a court she wanted to get nicked as it was the only way she could have an orgasm. she was arrested 53 times but never convicted.
*Been cheetahed*
in 1937 Gandar Dower tried introducing cheetah racing in the UK as an alternative to grayhounds. he didnt realise cheetahs are uncompetitive and too clever to mistake a piece of rag for a gazelle.
at tracks in Haringey and Romford the cheetahs just wandered around and the experiment failed.
*Her time had come*
spinster Hannah Beswick was so scared of being buried alive that she left her estate to her Dr. on the condition that he should regularly check to make sure she was dead.
so Dr Charles White had her body embalmed and kept her inside a grandfather clock in his house. each anniversary of her death he opened the clock and checked for vital signs.
when Dr White died in 1813 miss Beswick was moved to the Manchester museum of natural history. in 1868 the museums trustees finally decided she was dead and she was buried.
*Taking a trance*
in 1978 at a Southampton theatre hypnotist the great orlando tried to put Bob Holliday in a trance.
mr Holliday stayed alert but orlando nodded off and awoke to admit that he was actually George Rowson wanted by cops for social security fraud.
*Short stuff*
in 1983 police stormed Londons Shaftsbury theatre during Snow White to arrest one of the dwarves.
3ft 6in Raymond McCray in connection with a bank robbery. he was able to avoid cctv cameras as his head stayed below the counter in the raid.
*Imperfect murder*
Hampshire building society clerk Terence Bell made repeated attempts to kill his wife without her noticing.
in 1980 he took out a £250,000 insurance policy on her and put a leathal dose of mercury on her strawberry flan it rolled of her plate.
next he laced a mackeral with more of the poison she ate it with no ill effects whatsoever.
when the couple holidayed in Yugoslavia bell was eager to take a photo of his wife on a mountainous outcrop but she refused to step back claiming a sixth sense told her not to.
he also asked here to stand in the road while he tested his brakes on his car. unsuccessful he gave himself up and confessed to the police.
*Totally nuts*
in 1889 Dr Horace Emmett claimed to have discovered the secret to eternal youth after injecting himself with the ground testicles of red squirrels.
he claimed he felt 30 years younger and was able to have sex with his wife everyday.
two months later his wife left him for a younger man and the Dr died of a haemorrhage.
*Animal mischief*
at 75 Sid Chaney opened bank accounts in the names of his pets. with their overdrafts the geriatric conman clocked up debts of almost £120,000.
whenever police closed in council tenant sid move on. one method was to throw a brick through his own window and claim the area was to dangerous for a pensioner.
im one conviction sid was ordered to pay a £10,000 debt at just £1 a week

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